Sometimes
All I want is a shoulder to lean my head upon
A chest to rest along
A back to stretch across
Sometimes all I want
Are fingers to tangle mine within
Eyes to stare on and on...
Someone to fall asleep on
(eeccckkk cheesy cheesy cheessyyyyy
and so unfortunately true)
Muse (who??)
You are lovely like blossoms in spring
Like rain on leaves
And sun through mist
I want to write a love song for you
But I don't yet love you
So I will just muse about you, my breath-taking friend
I will hum about your presence and sing about your eyes
And think before I dream about your voice and the way you stumble across words
I want to push back all deterant so I can clearly see your face
You are charming like royalty
Messy like this place
You are surprisingly sweet
Like a gasp after submergance
Like light through the cracks
Or honey under the clover
I'd like to tell the whole world about you
Put you up on display as the most precious thing
Hold up your arms so they could see the wonder I see
And whisper in your ear
How I'd like to whisper in your ear
How dear you've become
My lovely friend
Children...
Send me there!
I want to know your world through and through
The inside workings and the pain without
I want to love
All I want to do is love
I don't really know what else I'm good for
Can you put in my arms someone who needs holding?
Let me be silly with a child who has never laughed?
Give me the weakest, the poorest, the most deprived
The sickest and the physically contaminated
Let me give them what they deserve
The sweetest love and the richest blessing
I don't know how I will but please let me try
Let me walk with them and play with them or hold their hand
Have them stand on my feet so their dust is permanently on mine
It's all I want
Their dust to be mine
Please send me there God
I beg you to send me there
Writing in the Sand
I am that woman
An adulteress, and ashamed
Throw me in the ground by my hair, in the dirt
Look upon me like I'm naked
Dirty and deprived
Pick your stones
Lift them high
I am not worth being alive
And yet the air remains still
Nothing rushing to break my skull
I am stil sitting here mixing sand with tears
He is still sitting there
Speaking whispers that none hear
What are you doing?
I want to scream at him
You fool!
Don't you see who I am and what I do?
This has been my life
Yes, it's empty and cold
But I am dirt, don't you see that?
Dirt and nothing else
And then you break me
The inner kind
Look around, it's vacant there
Where do I go from here?
Sin no more
Who are you?
Is that a letter of love you've written on the floor?
How can I stand here and not be moved by you
You're in solitude
But the powerful, whirlwind kind
Ugh I feel like a rebel
Just because I don't understand your son
Is this what people feel like who are just coming in?
Because I feel looked down upon for having questions
For not singing when everyone else sings
Is it too big for me or not big enough
I can't shoot straight
Because I have no clue
I don't have a grasp or concept
What did he do???
How did he take my crap?
How did I take every other person's, from the last billion years and billion to come? How could he have possibly been big enough?
I promise I'm not running away
You're too ingrained on me for me to do that
You are too true
But you're also so complex
I can't take it at face value
I can't just go about life without knowing what in the world I'm living for
And how in the world I'm possibly alive
I feel like I would have been alright as a Jew
Following the supreme ruler, Yahweh, Elohim...
The God of the Old Testament
The Creator of the universe
Walking through the dessert I would learn the ways of this place and worship God upon a mountain, and when He would speak my face would glow. And the people would not be able to look at me, my face would be veiled.
Or, like the rest of them my heart in fact would be veiled and I would walk through the desert without direction, a need in my soul for a closeness to God, and yet only a sacrifice to correct my misguidance.
But then the son came and then what happened? A chance for grace and forgiveness. A bridging of the gap with the extension of grace. Wait...wasn't grace there all along? A death and a life to cause the healing of billions upon billions upon billions. A promise of eternal joy and closeness to Him.
I feel hope, I feel promise...but I don't get LOVE. I don't understand THAT. I don't understand the death part...the torture...what happened when he was crucified? Where did he really go? What happened that was cause for the saving of our lives? It's too incomprehensible. It doesn't make sense. The broken body and the blood poured out, I don't GET it. It doesn't reach me. So does that make ME a heathen? Doesn't he love me just the same? What if I daily said that I WANT that grace and I WANT that love and I WANT to know him...but I JUST DON'T. What does that make me then? Am I still less of a person?
I think I'm fighting this battle against the world...with God it's just a quest. I know he loves me...I know he wants me to make it real and to understand. But what does that mean for me? What does that mean for my life?
Who in the world is Jesus?
I think I stop being a Christian if I don't know.
Today I'm a Jew.
Gentleness? Bawaa??
Let your gentleness be evident to all, the Lord is near. Philipeans 4:5
Yea, in theory, that would be lovely
But do I even have gentleness?
Is it even in me to be evident?
Is that interchangeable with grace which I am currently fighting just to make a priority
Or is it a whole new ball game?
God I have so much to learn
I liked you for who you were.
I wish you would have talked to me more
Poured out your soul.
Maybe it would have worked then
A Very Sad Biological Fact.
The ringing in your ear
Is the last dying breath of the cilia hair
A column of cells which allows you to hear one specific tone
Generally, an unfrequently used high or low tone...but a tone nonetheless
And when you hear that cry, the tone is gone.
Everytime it happens to me, I am filled with a deep sense of sadness
And I pray my biology teacher was a liar
Monologue
I spent the day
Trying to share heaven with a zoom lens
Vowing not to think of anything but what is around me now
I tried to put it into cognition, but it's harder than it seems
The fact that I hate it and want to quit, but can't help but feel
Yes you read it right...it's simply feeling that I despise
But it's all that I can do not to let the truth ooze through
The truth that I'm jam packed with emotion and it's daily sinking me
But that's me, some call it passion
I call it instability.
Oh well
I need a level-headed man
And on that note I'll apologize now
I can't say it to your face, but you knew that anyways
I'm cocky and self-amused. I'll cast some blame, I think you fueled it.
But it wasn't right in the first place
So where does that leave me?
Trying to figure out if I should grow a garden
Liking this magical world
Wondering if it would be better with a physical being to share it
Mesmorised with the thoughts in my head
Inviting God in, as I more often should
I'd really like to grow a garden
Dialogue
Unpresenced
Take me a step into this time
I'd like to forget all that
All that behind me
Forgive me for what I have done
Unscar me and unblemish
I'm scratching at my skin
I am unwhole
Clean me...bleach me out
Too disgusting to the touch
What are you doing?
"Reaching in"
I don't want to feel anymore
Sometimes, I just don't want to feel.
Swing back
I want everything to be raw, dripping with devestation and passion
I don't know who I am
At all
I have no clue who I am
This makes me more scared than anything
I'm pushing back against God knows what
So can you tell me?
I'll just keep pushing
With my hands and my feet
I know you're there, it's the religion I can't stand
It's the falsehood and shame
The "is that okay?" I can't say that anymore
I will not say that anymore
Are you even listening?
"letting you speak"
Shoot. I talk so much.
I'm like an uncontrolled...something
Something is always pouring forth
The dam is always broke
I'm so needy
Can you take me a step into today?
Can YOU take me?
A Rebutle
I'd like to bring some light to the assumption that this girl is moved by the face-value as opposed to the core illuminations.
I think the very implication of this would mean that this girl, who you seem to present as passionate and deep, would in actuality be shallow and unintelligent.
Therefore, your attraction has no basis, and whatever you've built up in your mind that this girl possibly is, really is a ficticious and ultimately dissapointing expectation.
So I would be careful as you pitty her step in the direction of lustful disposition. Obviously if that is what wins her heart, she is no such girl of yours. And watch yourself even closer before you begin to pitty yourself, for you seem to know very little of what this girl is capable of, perhaps that is why you have done very little in winning her over. This girl can cast an eye and carry the means quickly and precisely, so don't begin to assume that you or anyone else go unnoticed. You merely are unmatched.
Angry
I'm angry with what I'm doing
What's going on around me
What's falling on my head and falling through my fingers
I want to throw it back in everyones faces
Tell them I'm not old enough or strong enough or right enough to deal with it
Tell them to leave me alone
Tell them I want to make mistakes sometimes
And not care
Sleeplessness is breeding fury
Expectations breed fear
Reminder
Both unsafe and undercontroled
Remember remember remember remember
I nearly make myself sick
Don't fall for it
I never want to see you again.
ALSO
Girls, you try too hard. You say you don't need them because you desperately want them. You tell them you hate them so you can pretend to be hard to get. Give me a break.
I, on the other hand, want them, don't want them, don't need them, pretend to need them, and ultimately lose them at my own will. This is why I give reminders.
I don't know who's better here. Probably the other girls. Actually I do know, it's the other girls. Go for it.
1 Part...crap.
Can I be yours for a bit?
You make me feel good.
I just wrote the truth and erased it. Foolish and weak, hey that's me!
Don't Be Misconstrued
You're devine
All twisted up in rhymes
And broken flowers
How do I drink you?
Lap you up off the floor
Where you've fallen before
Under foot and through the cracks
I wont miss if you wont be back
This is where I'm at
I can't make it on my own
Living like I'm on a downward slope
Never making it any closer to goodness
I don't know who I am anymore
I don't know if what I do is real
Sometimes I tempt the thought of quitting
Quitting you
But I can't get over the understanding of your realness
You've got a firm grasp on my soul
Still, I feel like I'm always dangling closer to the dark abyss
You've promised me a life better than if it weren't with you
So when do I see it?
Am I just blind to what I already have?
Am I supposed to feel like I'm always further from where I should be?
Is that some sort of inscentive?
I'm trying to strip away all the lies
And I'm raw inside
I feel more unstable and unsure than ever before
Let loose in this torrential world
Like a kite in a storm
I know you're down there, holding onto the string
Could you pull me in soon?
I want to feel safe and loved
I just need to feel close to you
Not this distance I've been feeling for years
Drop me into a pit
Break me, if that's what it'll take
I'm pushing my limits because I hope that'll lead to a dilemma
With the only solution being nearer to you
I have no idea where to go
I need to feel you holding my hand
what...
Something breaking inside of my chest
That's cliche
I wonder what's in there
Inside of my chest
Sometimes, when examined
I find it quite hollow
Sometimes deeply bruised, wounded through and through
Often full, pulsing with life
The veins coursing red and thick and alive
Sometimes there is a bouquet
The scent of love
This is all so redundant
I'm trying to tell the truth
Something is breaking inside of my chest
I can hear the echo
From side to side
Here:
I'm a girl
Reflective eyes
Lantern smile
Lit inside
I fall short
All the time
But I strive
Oh I strive
I feel raw in my soul
I need depth to everything
Impassioned, and contagious
Delirious and outrageous
I will cry
Shout
Dance
Sigh
I feel something breaking inside
Leaves..tea...pretty things....
God...almighty power...the universe and all its beings
I'm a pinprick in eternity
I'd like to spend eternity with you
What am I now? What have I become?
I'm scraping for words off the bottoms of shoes
Are you in me? Am I living?
Am I realizing the worth?
Is this raw reality and deep imagery
Simply the reflections of all you have for me?
I don't know who I am
Am I living at all?
Where are you? Am I cut lose
I need you
You know that
Ugh
If you get any closer
I'll use you
I'm telling you straight up
So hide yourself
I warned you
I'm already crossing the line with how I think and feel
I'll use you and bruise you.
The Impossible Can Be Done
I escaped tonight
Like a rebel without a cause
None at all
I just wanted to be mysterious
Drove off into the night hoping I wouldn't be caught
I found moonlit landscapes like silver staves
Plucking the way up from the grass
I called on ambience and mood
Spirit and surroundings
I'm too directed by music and media
I'm not sure of this is impulsive elusiveness
Or the strong raw style
I'd like it to be the latter, this life
My legs wont break and my hands wont freeze
I caught onto safety like I caught the breeze, tonight, I did
The impossible
Here stands a brazen shield
Collapse amidst sand-dollar leaves
Tonight, I did the impossible
Goodmorning.
Sometimes I have to remind myself to chew
Choking down all my food
Distracted by other things
Like wishing this was well again
I can't stop
I'm heaving
I'm addicted to this typing
I don't even know what I mean
I'm trying to get across what's too dangerous to say
I don't know when that stopped me any other day
But it's sexual
It's temptatious
It's driving within
It's sinful and furious and boiling beneath my skin
The touch of desire
It's lustful and breaking
Rising over a higher conciousness and taking it's power
Words mine are mixed up
Solve me here I dare you now
Touch and burning hot
Not too close to smell the rot that seeps within
Forget it again
I want to be here
Close close closer, all that we can
Give in
Walk away
I'm screaming because I can
This is pushing and breathing
A heavy kind
Depth perception lost
Cross the fault line
I know you'd fall
I know I know I know
I'd take you down with me
I'm an evil kind
You wouldn't stop, I'd make you rot
Too, with me
You can't tell, you wouldn't
How vicious could I'd be
I'm angelic, innocent victim
Only to let my selfish movements free
Almost over
I'm failing within
Lucky you weren't here for another cover-up stint
Shaking and hyperventilating
I barely took that time
Seizure and collapsing
I was grabbed and shook and dropped
Heavy, dropped, like from the sky
Lucky you weren't there to be sucked down below
Lucky you, lucky you
I'm still recovering from the shock
When I wanted it baddly
All heated from the lapse
Striking out, I just told the whole truth
I wanted more from a body, from a being
I wanted touch and I wanted heating
Now I'm failing from lack of control
Embarressed the next day because I knew I couldn't hold
Well here it is out on the page
I wanted the story to break and the truth to unfold
Because I'm so damn pretentious and so damn fake
I hope no one reads this because it would shut down everything that I am
Who is this? This heathen? She breaths for self elevating reasons?
She's lustful and advancing? Using others for her skins-hopes?
She tells the world of her faulties? She falls down flights of stairs?
Daily?
I hope no one reads this because it's really who I am
I hope no one reads this because I can't really stop
Not on my own accord, that's for sure
Because my heart still swears
My brain still yells
It hits and compartmentalizes everyone
Shuts down and ignores
Never revives except to deplore the smallest inkling of guilt
Shit...that's what my chest says
I hope nobody reads this because I just swore
I hope if they do they pick that out as the worst thing I'll do...how ignorant and naive. How depraved would they be? If that's all they saw but my four letter word? How lucky I'd be...I could fall down with the rest...with my mindless notions and the dirt put to rest. Yea you swept it under the rug because my profane toung, well take another look because the worst is yet to come. One day you'll be sitting and I'll dump it all out...all this garbage and sewage and mud from above. This glorified sinning that we all wish we could see. It's sensational isn't it...where I've come from? Isn't it magical that my body's a dump? Isn't it fantastic that I'm letting it blow out? How about I stand up on the stage and talk about it. I'll put tears in my eyes and blow my nose about it. You'll all feel blessed and you'll do the same. Here are my indecencies...aren't I profane! How magical, how beautiful, how simply the purest! I want to stick my head in a drain and cry my eyes out. Suck it up and drink it in...I hope everyone reads this because it'll do just the same. I'm sick inside. I'm vomiting my insides. I'm bloody and poor. I'm the worst stink you'll ever come upon. I'm garbage. Nothing at all. Don't even look because it's empty...aside from this heaping disgusting outpour. This is rediculous isn't it? What you've found inside? I'm tired of talking, I've said all that's to be said.
Stop listening
I could exhale ten billion times without telling you how I really feel
Wrestless and wreckless and obviously breathless
You've got me worked up on charm and rock and roll
Alcohol and sleeplessness and lack of control
I'm yelling at everyone and hoping they wont hear
I'm not a safe girl to ever be near
But oh, my sweet child, wont you jump that boat
Whisper something decadent on the risk of your life
I'm fallible
Completely
Every second of my life
This one just a little more erroneous than the last
But please don't count seconds
Just the stars in my eyes
That conversation makes me sick
Stop talking and do your thing
It's got a nice little ring
Sweet little bleating, you precious lamb in my arms
Led to the slaughter, I could never be yours
I'm sick and unwound
Dependant and deprived
My arms are melting right through my sleaves
Prickling and numbing my mind and skin
I wish I could drown myself within
This is goodbye, this is goodnight
Hope you got your satisfaction from this love broke fright
I Don't Want To Be Crushed
I want to be near you
You person in a picture
You who are far
You and you and you
I want to touch you and know why you are
I want to stand there and feel it too
An uptaking
Rising of chest and breath
Beauty in simply being
I want cold air
Rush
No more rushing
Standing still
I want us to be frozen
My lips on yours
Or my toes
Or my stomach
Anything close
I want to be there
Symmetrical, standing
Does this make any sense?
Could you find yourself there?
Snow, and quiet
Blue skies, and birds
I can see my breath
Your eyes reflect the sky
And mine
This isn't a dream
It's honest, and painful
Painful because I can't be any more a part of you
I want to take you
I don't want to torment you
Just stand in front of you
No more or less
Don't try
I want it to be fresh
A rude awakening
With a heating beneath the face
The clothes
With you right across from where I stand
I want to take you
Without inhibition
Move the things that block your eyes
I want a clear view
Iced stiff and solid
Lets melt from the inside out
I'm Not Right
I feel like a user
Like I shouldn't be near anyone at these times
I should shiver and shake until it's out of my system
All I'm going to do is let you down
I wish I came with a warning
I'll let you know so I can get what I want
A preemptive alert out of selfish devising
Right now right now with no further plans
I just want to be near
Is that too much to ask?
Warm and close at hand
No expectations
None at all
That's the downfall in this all
Leave me out in the cold
Shut me right out
Would It Make You Less Sad
I can't say I'm broken hearted
That's too melodramatic
But my heart does ache at where we've escalated to
I wish there wasn't a tension
Or a fear
Or unhappiness...or hurt
...Wishing we could screw them all and keep on going...
Would you like me to cry here?
Could that justify your pain?
Perhaps if you were to rip into me with my downfalls
You would be able to leave a little sooner?
Can I please spout out every profanity just to remind you that I speak your language
That's all my chest is doing, swearing to hell that it wont be back
I want to dig into my skin, dig into you
I hate this here
This here thing that happens now and then
I wish I could black it out
Hats off to melodrama.
Down Day
I'm begging for recognition
Desperate for significance
I'm so tired of everyone just walking away
But I'm so tired of any being near mine
I need silence and distance
But I need a striving for proximity
I can't hold anything together
I say this time and time again
I wish people could see that
Even when I'm strong and brave and independent
I'm insecure and broken
I can't pick up my own pieces
I'm too weak
Please...
I'm terrified, almost panicing
That you wont speak anymore
And I wont hear anymore
Don't let it be done please
Maybe I have no right
But I need something to tell me it's healthy?
My heart keeps dropping, because it's out of my control
The moment that look passed into your eyes
I take it back
I take it back
I take it back
Trying to pick those words out of the air
And stuff them back in my mouth
I wish I could eat them all
And take it back
To the silence we sat in
I'm breaking from lack of closure
This is so unlike me
It's because I'm not the one who is closed
I am praying and praying that that's not IT
The Purpose of Life=This? That? Huh? What?
I don't know how to say what I want to say. I have 10 million things ripping through my brain that I can barely get convey one before I'm stumbling over the next.
I have a few fundamental trues which I can't help but depend on. The God of the universe created me. His son Jesus saved me. Without Him I would be completely falling apart. I see it when there is even a slight distance between myself and Him. I am disfunctional, unhealthy, irrational, unsensable. I don't understand myself or this world around me. I am lost, alone, fragile, weak, broken, wounded, dying. This I know. I feel it often. I NEED Him. I know this is truth.
I also know that there are lies that I have believed my whole life. There are things that I don't fully grasp. Ways I follow which I don't understand. Things that I do which I don't know why I do. I can't accept this as OK. I need to find the truth in this 'grey area'. Thing's such as why I think that God gives me the cold-shoulder when I'm not reading my bible daily. Why, even if I make an improvement on a previous weak area in my life...I always find the sin to feel guilty about. I always find room for failure, and believe that because of that there leaves none for celebration. I feel like I need to do everything to make things right. I am the only one who can change me. This can't be true! This is impossible! I have no capability of this!
So what am I left with? The eternal struggle of action/grace it seems. I don't want that. I feel rebelious right now. I want to challenge all these faults. Maybe they're not faults but I want to learn the hard way.
I want to focus my life around "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and strength, and love your neighbour as yourself". I almost want to ignore everything else right now and just see what THAT means.
What is THAT? Love. I have no clue about it! I know living as a human, death on the cross, bearing of all sins, breaking of the body, spilling of the blood....all FOR love...but I Have No Clue What Love Is! I feel like every time I come to an Easter service or a have communion I'm missing out on the sensational love that I'm supposed to feel. Is my heart not right? Am I a liar? Why the heck isn't this all it's cracked up to be? I feel like I miss it every time. Every time I take part in communion I wait for it. The great love. That I'm supposed to feel for God. That God feels for me. I wait. And then I wait another month...I'll get it next time. But it doesn't come!
I know provision! I know blessing! I know closeness and healing and guidance but I DON'T KNOW LOVE. What is this that is central to all God is and all I am can not be known to me! This thing, which is of complete and utmost importance to my survival on this planet...it passes me now...it's out of sight or reach...and I told you already I am incapable of grabbing it on my own.
I saw something the other day that captured visually exactly what I knew I needed. It was an image of God...an idea portrayed in a video skit. He blessed the girl, but not only did He bless her...he called to her. He pulled her. He reached and streched and grasped for her. When she was entrenched in the lies and heaviness of what Satan poured onto her, God was heaving her out of the mud. Finally He got into the thick of things. He took on every beating and all that was impossible for her to fight and He saved her and then He took her in His arms lovingly again and protected her and loved her.
That's what I want. I want to know He's fighting for me. I want to know He is taking the beating. I want to know that He will save me time and time again and that he will PULL for me and REACH for me and use all his strength to get me. I want to know this in my heart. That is all I want to know.
Without Reason
Another kind of broken
Has crept itself in
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!
I want to yell it til I don't feel it anymore
I hate this part of life
You
Broken again
Beaten by lies again
I saw You,
All I want and need
I need someone to fight for me
I am too weak
There is nothing I can do on my own
I saw You,
And my heart was jealous for your love
I want You to pull ME in
To take the hits for me
To ache over me
Do You do this?
Sometimes I can't feel it
Not like I want to
Not the overwhelming love 'feeling' that I think should come with it
Is that too human of me?
How else am I supposed to understand?
I want You to cradle me
To personally take offense when I am belittled
I want You to hold me when I my body is wracked with these emotions
When I feel like there is nothing left in my chest
I need You to be gently filling me
With Your words or thoughts...something...
I want You to show me somehow
I need You to protect me
I need You to remind me of Your love daily
I'll keep my eyes open
I need You! Oh God...this knowledge is overwhelming
I am broken without You! I am scattered and unleashed without You!
I can't find solidarity or truth without You
I need You to hold me
I'm so desperate for this
I'm so desperate for You
Weakerthan
I feel like yelling more
I don't think you understand what that kind of thing does to me
Because when you take something about me
Saying that it disappoints you??
What?
Why would you even say that...I have no idea what you expect me to do
I'm done with you but you still cause your wreckage
I can recall the last time
Years past but I still know the words and the face and the time and the place
Yes it was closer and more intrinsically linked
But you can't imagine what this causes me to think
I don't want to feel like I need to mold myself to be with you
That is a complete lie!
An affirmation of what I know to be true...but you've done your damage.
I'm uncontrollable right now
Some day the blame of inconsolable will be on you
I can't believe that after that I feel like turning around and changing my mind
Just to please you
This is what it's come to
Forget it
I don't need this built up inside of me
What is this..self pity?
Here's me and my delicate heart...it's already scarred from the last 20 times
Well I'm done with that and done with whatever that was
I've had my explosion and I've had my time
I'm forgetting it! You'd never know it!
But on that note here's some more crap from my self-centred self
But if you'd at least have invested...you might have learn some things
Where does your socialization come into play?
This is me! Do you even know?
Not worth it. Just not worth it.
Holy...
Writing my way through whatever this night throws
Sickness and flowers
All over this shifting stage
Like walking off an elevator
With the ground all afloat
I wish I wasn't so motion inept
What do you do when all the words dry up?
Just watch the barreness beneath your feet slowly crack and crumble
We glance one last time at eachother
A helpless hopelessness there
I'm citing other people now
Flies on the wall
I wish you didn't have to go
But it's gone cold, it's gone cold
I break all the rules tonight
Flirting with flirtations
Coming much closer then I ought
Slipping drugs into your drink
Pouring it all out into the sink
Is it emotional instability or passion and art?
I wish I didn't have to feel
Numb myself up and rock myself back
I hate saying it's strength I lack
Or that my eyes have an accessive amount of tears
Or that I have an insatiable need for adventure, and to love
Because that's just unreal
You're fake and untrue!
What in the world do you think my world is coming to??
A fine point to be defined? Don't say those things to me!
Don't tell me you're disappointed because I'm not who you want me to be!
I say words don't hurt me, but you've thrown my heart on the rocks
With that one little phrase you've completely torn me apart
I'm not right
I'm wrong
Well I knew that all along
So don't you dare say it first
Now I'm tired and angry and erratic and hurt.
R 8:26
The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but
the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
Hear these groanings. I hope that you do.
Broken Record
Wishing there wasn't just thought
Or mixable truths
There are lies in your eyes
And there is more worth to my smile
I'm not even angry
I'm passive and detached
Because I've had it with arrogance
And lack of intelligence
I have more strength in my heart
More will in my mind
More joy in my face
More faith in my soul
So walk on through
Run on by
Grow a little in these vital years
One's not got time for the likes of you
There are much bigger things to be broken
Much larger dreams to be dreamt
There's a vast expanse approaching
And within it I can run
-------------
I'm a broken record sometimes
Not bitter
But unimpressed
Come along
I Get This From My Mother
I seem to have an innate ability to assess ones character
Even whiffs of impressions
A recollection of pretension
A strange mist of attachment
It's there and gone like shadows in the corners of your eyes
But I see it
And in the cases of the aformentioned
The response is an arms length
I will love you, but from over here.
On the other hand, I also see the deep swirlings of kindness within some
The broodings of ambition
Or burning of contentment
Like a flicker in a flame, it may pass over their face for only a moment or two
But I've spotted it! I catch it, I hold it tight
I will love you a little closer this time
Wait
Wondering if I can take the world
Flip it upside
Melt it down
Shake it out
Find the brightsides in and about
Wondering if you're here
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Breaking past rules and lines and rows
Climbing over seat backs just to get close
Close. Close. Closer.
I'll know. God knows.
So, until then...
Ugh Tired
I hate when lack of energy and sleep racks my body
The contents of the day dragging me down beneath
Throwing me into a sick distress
My emotions unsteady
I am so bruised already...after just one night
You'll be loved, you'll be loved
Just not tonight.
ohhh shoot
I am not doing well
Hold hold hold
Apparently all my previous restrictions are out the window
I'm grabbing grabbing grabbing
Coming up with clenched fists
I've given away a smile, that was already too much
And suddenly what do I know...
I'm losing my mind
Remember when I was a mindfull young girl? With abilities to form walls and give push backs
Apparently I've taken a few steps back.
Mixture of Sigh and Give Up
Turn you upside down
And shake you out
Nothing to be found
But a closed mouth
Earth...orrrrrr
I can't leave the world here
It's caught between my fingers
Inextricable
Somehow, the forces of nature found their ways to wrap me
And with them I am filled
I breathe in a blue air
And only see the greener trees
How does one tell a truth like that?
How do you say that colours become brighter the more you love them?
How do you admit that they've become heart stoppingly beautiful
But it's been a progression...from catching your eye to catching your breath
I turn this planet between my fingers
I want to know it from sea to sea
Panic Attack
A suffrage lifted
I'm seized! I'm confined...
I'm stuck, crazed, controlled, decaying
I can't breath can't breath can't breath
What's going on?
Is this just what's coming?
I'm not afraid but I'm not calm
I'm the frozen inbetween
Are these seconds or hours?
Where is my higher power?
I'm not leaning or living
I'm curling into a ball
I'm set in stone here
I'm panicking! I don't like this state!
What's happening what's happening?
I'm in fury and fear and utter confusion
I'm lost and enclosed
A desperate child
I don't know where to go?
The Rocking
In the faint
Distant rooms
A tinkering and a wind
Causes the passing of time
By a music box
Through the fuzz of household machinery
It whispers and brings to a hush
My mind is filled with emptiness and rush
And when the point comes where I must close my eyes
Because I can't breathe any more
Can't feel realistically any more
Every word and thought envoked is a sickness in my stomach
Even the ones I know will be well in the morning
I don't understand this, I wish I could get past this
It's unconcious and from lack of something
It's not something I can help
This disaparation of stability
And implantation of depression
Once again, here I am, at the bottom of it all
Waiting for tomorrow
After the sickness of my fall
