My ramblings....

The Purpose of Life=This? That? Huh? What?

I don't know how to say what I want to say. I have 10 million things ripping through my brain that I can barely get convey one before I'm stumbling over the next.

I have a few fundamental trues which I can't help but depend on. The God of the universe created me. His son Jesus saved me. Without Him I would be completely falling apart. I see it when there is even a slight distance between myself and Him. I am disfunctional, unhealthy, irrational, unsensable. I don't understand myself or this world around me. I am lost, alone, fragile, weak, broken, wounded, dying. This I know. I feel it often. I NEED Him. I know this is truth.

I also know that there are lies that I have believed my whole life. There are things that I don't fully grasp. Ways I follow which I don't understand. Things that I do which I don't know why I do. I can't accept this as OK. I need to find the truth in this 'grey area'. Thing's such as why I think that God gives me the cold-shoulder when I'm not reading my bible daily. Why, even if I make an improvement on a previous weak area in my life...I always find the sin to feel guilty about. I always find room for failure, and believe that because of that there leaves none for celebration. I feel like I need to do everything to make things right. I am the only one who can change me. This can't be true! This is impossible! I have no capability of this!

So what am I left with? The eternal struggle of action/grace it seems. I don't want that. I feel rebelious right now. I want to challenge all these faults. Maybe they're not faults but I want to learn the hard way.

I want to focus my life around "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and strength, and love your neighbour as yourself". I almost want to ignore everything else right now and just see what THAT means.

What is THAT? Love. I have no clue about it! I know living as a human, death on the cross, bearing of all sins, breaking of the body, spilling of the blood....all FOR love...but I Have No Clue What Love Is! I feel like every time I come to an Easter service or a have communion I'm missing out on the sensational love that I'm supposed to feel. Is my heart not right? Am I a liar? Why the heck isn't this all it's cracked up to be? I feel like I miss it every time. Every time I take part in communion I wait for it. The great love. That I'm supposed to feel for God. That God feels for me. I wait. And then I wait another month...I'll get it next time. But it doesn't come!

I know provision! I know blessing! I know closeness and healing and guidance but I DON'T KNOW LOVE. What is this that is central to all God is and all I am can not be known to me! This thing, which is of complete and utmost importance to my survival on this planet...it passes me now...it's out of sight or reach...and I told you already I am incapable of grabbing it on my own.

I saw something the other day that captured visually exactly what I knew I needed. It was an image of God...an idea portrayed in a video skit. He blessed the girl, but not only did He bless her...he called to her. He pulled her. He reached and streched and grasped for her. When she was entrenched in the lies and heaviness of what Satan poured onto her, God was heaving her out of the mud. Finally He got into the thick of things. He took on every beating and all that was impossible for her to fight and He saved her and then He took her in His arms lovingly again and protected her and loved her.

That's what I want. I want to know He's fighting for me. I want to know He is taking the beating. I want to know that He will save me time and time again and that he will PULL for me and REACH for me and use all his strength to get me. I want to know this in my heart. That is all I want to know.

posted by Unknown @ 10:39 PM