My ramblings....

How can I stand here and not be moved by you

You're in solitude
But the powerful, whirlwind kind

Ugh I feel like a rebel
Just because I don't understand your son
Is this what people feel like who are just coming in?
Because I feel looked down upon for having questions
For not singing when everyone else sings

Is it too big for me or not big enough
I can't shoot straight
Because I have no clue
I don't have a grasp or concept
What did he do???
How did he take my crap?
How did I take every other person's, from the last billion years and billion to come? How could he have possibly been big enough?

I promise I'm not running away
You're too ingrained on me for me to do that
You are too true
But you're also so complex
I can't take it at face value
I can't just go about life without knowing what in the world I'm living for
And how in the world I'm possibly alive

I feel like I would have been alright as a Jew
Following the supreme ruler, Yahweh, Elohim...
The God of the Old Testament
The Creator of the universe
Walking through the dessert I would learn the ways of this place and worship God upon a mountain, and when He would speak my face would glow. And the people would not be able to look at me, my face would be veiled.
Or, like the rest of them my heart in fact would be veiled and I would walk through the desert without direction, a need in my soul for a closeness to God, and yet only a sacrifice to correct my misguidance.

But then the son came and then what happened? A chance for grace and forgiveness. A bridging of the gap with the extension of grace. Wait...wasn't grace there all along? A death and a life to cause the healing of billions upon billions upon billions. A promise of eternal joy and closeness to Him.

I feel hope, I feel promise...but I don't get LOVE. I don't understand THAT. I don't understand the death part...the torture...what happened when he was crucified? Where did he really go? What happened that was cause for the saving of our lives? It's too incomprehensible. It doesn't make sense. The broken body and the blood poured out, I don't GET it. It doesn't reach me. So does that make ME a heathen? Doesn't he love me just the same? What if I daily said that I WANT that grace and I WANT that love and I WANT to know him...but I JUST DON'T. What does that make me then? Am I still less of a person?

I think I'm fighting this battle against the world...with God it's just a quest. I know he loves me...I know he wants me to make it real and to understand. But what does that mean for me? What does that mean for my life?

Who in the world is Jesus?
I think I stop being a Christian if I don't know.
Today I'm a Jew.

posted by Unknown @ 3:46 PM