My ramblings....: October 2007

Sick of Body and Heart

I feel sickness seeping in
Not just a quick demolition of the trachea, cheek bones, back of skull, and Eustachian tubes,
But the terrific weariness
The sinking ache of the muscles, the rubbing of the joints
The falling of the eyes and waning of any sort of contemplation
This feels like deterioration, like I could hold completely still and still fall apart
I'd like to say I hate being sick, but I can barely muster up that fierce of an emotion

Meanwhile

My dear friend
My sweet and precious companion
My heart is breaking with yours
I pray you calm and strength
Can you find Him?
The Lord Here
Can you feel it?
His transcendent peace?
Please be searching for Him here, of all places

So I said
"Either I'll hide my heart, or I'll throw it quite far"
I'm mostly just tired with being frivelous
Being I am now a women, far far from the young days
I may say what I want, in a guarded sort of way
Remembering
"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires." (S.o.S 2:7)

Skin

Your skin is like porcelain
Your skin is like leather
I want to touch it
And be all the better
Your skin is a mirror
Your skin is transparent
I want to reach through it
Like only seekers could

Space

Lets be more than friends
Lets be the moon and stars

Wall

As soon as he stepped on he became my wall to the world
His back large and dark
Blocking out all black eyes and tired smiles
He was so close, my wall to the world, that I could see the threads in his jacket
His shoulder looming dearly close to my head
My wall to the world

It feels dark back here

And for a moment I think I want my own wall to carry around with me, so I can rest my heavy head on its back. But then, I think, it probably would want to face me, and there wouldn't be enough room for the both of us anyways.

My wall moves away and I can see sun and space again. I am left leaning my heavy head against a yellow pole. That's what you get in standing room only.

From My Father

My daughter, let's not dance, let's not dally by the way
This life is short daughter, come run, I see a fight
Take my hand daughter, not for tentively holding
But that you may quicken your pace, can you keep up?
Feel the wind now, no time for flowers, we must race on!
This is it my daughter, a challenge you must take
Here it is, we battle on, do you feel invigorated now?
Impassioned with this hard work, here I am lifting too

See that mountain? We must climb it!
Feel the burning in your lungs. Yes daughter! This is it
Climb higher and higher! See we're closer to the sun!
Through rocks and trees and crumbling canyons
To the peak we will make it, to the peak!

Here, breathe.
See this beauty?
Much more worth it after that climb.
Your eyes are brighter and your head is clear.
See this daughter? This was all for you...

My daughter is not a princess nor a lady in wait
I do not treat her with romance and letters of longing
No, I am always pulling her forward
Her heart is set on adventure, and in adventure she finds my heart
She has her sword at her hilt and determination upon her face
My daughter is ready for the battle I send her to
If you want, go with her, stand at her side
Guard her back and move forward
She will run, so keep up! Or make her run faster!
My daughter is a warrior, a queen at the front line

OS

Have you ever just reveled in your memories of the past?
Dear places that you indulge in with every sense and feeling in your body, just to recall the entirety of what made it so precious to you.

I go back to the town and I feel it as green. Like the green is in the air. The humidity soaks through the leaves and the trees, carrying their essence to your face and nose. And everything around me is shining green too. Waving in the sky, dancing in the light. Then there's the breeze, I always find a breeze. In the sun or the grey it's always upon my face and chest, like a surprising awakening, a cool treat. And voices are always carried upon the breeze. No matter where I am there's a call or a shout. I wonder if this is inspired by my age of memory implantation. There are roads but never street signs. There is always gravel between my soles and the pavement. We're always walking, always walking somewhere. Or if we're not, the window's open. There are some neon hallways and dim staircases, but these are few, we're mostly outside.
I can distinctly remember when I stopped running away. One day when I was angry I knew there had to be a better way so I walked and just kept walking. Walking is better than running away. Into a corner of faded gray, I found an old cemetary and explored the ages. The mossy epitaphs told me you were so young..how could you be so young? Your mother loved you, she did. River sparkling, gravel pathways. Walked back home, not angry anymore.
So I always try to go back, but like they say the memories fonder. Everyones older and crumbling, smelling of their favorite drug. I wish I could revive them. Make them interesting like they are in my dreams. You could fit in with this town you could...but I guess you belong right where you are. A faint and fading memory, all about the past. That's why the outsides stronger, it's the only thing that'll last.

I pray you love

It's never pleasent saying forget me
Place somebody new in your dreams

As a girl in school they teach you to hold their attention for as long as you can
Be anything you can be before crossing the line into everything

And I, I think what this takes is a sigh
And a nod to my selfish side

There are many more beautiful things in this world
So let them grow let them grow, you will reap what you sow
Plant your heart somewhere else, such a beautiful love

Con Radiohead..yea!

I want to tell you a story
Of a magical world
Where everyone is desperately fallible
Hopelessly weak, their hearts open like wounds
Rain falls daily
And they welcome it with open arms
I want to take you to a place
Where their backs are bent with the workload
Their eyes wrinkled, skin leathered by the sun
Dirt in their fingers

Holy dirt, there is Holy dirt in their fingers

I want to whisk you away
Stand you in the footsteps of the poor and forgotten
Open your ears to their laughter
Oh Lord, if you could hear their laughter it would bring tears to your eyes

And then, in this magical land,
When you're pushed back in your place
Like a rock against your chest, against the back of your seat
You can't help but choose between who you are inside
A heap of sobbing and prayers for the ground beneath their feet
Or an empty vagrant, wandering this earth

I'm an empty vagrant right now. Mindless and lacking drive. Oh God where is my drive? My passion isn't real, it's merely lust for what's beyond. Oh God where are my tears? My eyes are black holes God, my eyes are black holes.

I want to take you to an empire
A temple, a field
I want to stand you in the downpour
Let you feel the hot sand whip around your face

This is LIFE wakeup wakeup wakeup WAKEUP

I want to let you face them
Stare into their eyes
They'll take your breath away

I want your breath to be taken

Looking pretty for no one
Is an unfortunate occaision

Tuesday

I witnessed a curious event today...

As I was stopped at a light, a mother with her young son and child in a stroller were walking on the sidewalk parallel to me. At that moment a darkly dressed boy with a skateboard and a smoke was about to pass them. I watched as she spoke something to him and he turned around, setting down his coffee. This was curious, I was eagerly anticipating what was going to happen! Then he pushed his skateboard down and did a kickflip. The young son got a look of sheer joy on his face, the mother said thankyou and both parties continued on their way.

Needless to say, this single event absolutely made my day.

Cover Glass Shattered

There are some scattered pieces here
From different pictures, broken frames
From other memories, like broken tile
Like grass and blue and wind and free
Me on blanket listening to sweet melody
But it's different here when my head is pounding
The dimmly lit still a lightening bolt to my brain

Somebody is eating the poisen I'm dishing out
On a silver platter my dear, on a silver platter

Love love love and sunshine and things

Yea kids the siesta's over!!
I can't believe it's only been 2 weeks. I'm such a little baby
I missssed you I missed you I missed you muah muah muah
(that's me kissing my blog)

Technically I'm about 12 hours early but WHAT THE HECK

So here's a fun time where we do an overview of these last two weeks thanks to my handy-dandy NOTEBOOK. It's pretty fun writing in a notebook because sometimes I just feel like writing on a diagonal and so, I write an a diagonal. Or if I am angry my script is larger (like I'm yelling!) it's neat. Also I really like my notebook. It's one my mother got me and it has all these quotes of other writers in regards to poetry or writing and stuff. My favorite quote thus far is:

"The young poet should stay the hell out of writing classes and find out what's happening around the corner. And bad luck for the young poet would be a rich father, an early marriage, an early success or the ability to do anything very well"
-Charles Bukowski

Words to live by

So enough of that. Here are some of my world-worthy writings.

Future Homeboy
You are more beautiful
Than the stars in the sky
I love you I love you I love you
I want to show you off to everybody
You make me feel strong
You give light to my night
I love you I love you
I want to be always on your arm
Going so far to be at your beck and call
I want to serve you
You are safety and strength
You have sparkles in your eyes
I love you

+
Warm
Sleep. Alive.
Dead
Cold. Night.

+
Send him to the bathroom if he's going to throw up
White tile, cold porcelain
Burning tears, stark night
Worst time ever
No matter what you are alone
Curled up on the bathroom floor
Not even sick but it seems to be parallel

Melee (witty title)
Fear grips at my chest once again
Trying to claw it's way up my ribcage
Out of sheer panic
This can't be right that even the mention of your name sends me this way
I don't know what it is yet
I think it's because I spent so much time on you
My feelings wrapped themselves so tightly around you
That it is still a jarring wrench just to get them free
It's times like these where I don't think I'm over you
Maybe that's just a habitual felling

Maybe I'm trying to quit you like nicotine
Dropping it cold wrecks the body quite fierce
You were never good but you were the air I breathed
That's what it was, you were such a good drug

+
I want to scream at you

YOU'RE ALL I NEED
YOU'RE EVERYTHING
THE AIR I BREATHE
I LOVED YOU
I LOVE YOU

Even when I know that's not true
I couldn't, wouldn't be able to go back
I hate how your story never ends
You've gained the most letters out of anyone in my book
But that doesn't matter, you never even knew
You you'll never know how much power you had over me
I wish I could tell you, as if that would somehow make things better
I honestly wish you weren't so far from me

+
I think I could turn you inside out if I wanted
Hell yes, if I wanted I could turn you inside out

Burn!
I bought a stethoscope for you
So you can hear how my heart doesn't speed up...when I'm with you.

+
I think the longer I stare at them
The more attractive people become

+
Blank page
Blank page
Blank page
I'm one of those kids
Who doesn't know what she's
got

Sunshine
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. It's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and this house just ain't a home, anytime she goes away.
-Otis Redding

And this sunshine in my eyes
Couldn't get much brighter
I'm glad
It's burning out whatever emotion or fear
Could possibly be in or behind them
I hope it leaves them colourless
Sucks them empty and dry
So that there is no longer a soul in them
Only a blank stare

+
I like laughs
I like your laugh
Because it is loud and genuine
And what you say is funny
So it is worthy of laughter
That is why I like
Your laugh

+
But, on the other hand,
He seems like a very nice boy
And a very beautiful one

+
I'm slowly recovering from the panic attacks you would give me
The fear it would strike into me
Thinking you could be in the same place as me
You were so damn built up
I keep saying this
Keep "closing your chapter" bullshit
I need to never write about you again
I'm giving you words you don't deserve
Keeping you here in ink
But at least I can say I'm getting better at not freaking out about you?

+
Sometimes I just want to make out
The part that worries me is that you'd leave a bad taste in my mouth

+
I want
To cross
The boarders
And live
Alone
Where there is only room to help
And no room for myself

+
I wish I had someone of my own
To kiss all over
To cover their face in sweet little love

+
I think it's safe to say
I don't want my head on straight for this one
It's because I don't know him, that's why I'm so assured

Rule Breaker/Intermission

It's hard taking this break
I'm an addict
It's so easy to just to plunk myself down and vent and vent and vent
Like I want to do right now.
6 days down 8 to go.
More writing in my notebooookkkk.....

Alexandra is...

Finding she is way too involved in a world of mind games
Not getting face value is sending her on rat races
Making assumptions that put her emotions on a tilt
Trying to rebuild bridges that she isn't even convinced had a right to be burned

Thinking she needs to break from writing

If I Were a Jazz Singer...

Lets fall in love
Beneath an apple tree
Catching the young ones
Before they roll free

Lets kiss so sweetly
In the pouring rain
Splashing through puddles
Down a covered lane

Lets dance the blues
Hold me gently all night long
And when it comes to closing
We quietly sway til the last song

Lets fall asleep
In the blankets twisted
With one last thought I memorize your face
I'm so glad I didn't miss you

You

You stand
And the earth shakes
Every tower and mountain crumbles to dust around you
The wind is fierce
And the clouds consuming
How can I be anything but in awe of you?

Freedom

Oh freedom
You soothe me well

None if this is farfetched
It's just where I am

Who am I without backing?
The world is at my feet for me to step into

I tell you
I want to be here...at the end of the earth

I am unafraid

So run from here
I urge you
And it's better if you don't look back
You can be cruel if you want
Twisting that thorn in my side
I figure once it gets deep enough it'll start working it's way out

I will stand here
Til someone swims on out
And doesn't plunge over the edge

As for freedom,
It continues to soothes me well

Meet Me

I pretend I don't want to be closer

I'm a better person when I'm asleep

Bird-Plain

I want to create a bird in my hand
And then set her free
Throwing her up into the sky
As she flys through the light
Her shadow a magician on the plain of barren

Haahhehhuhuhamdfk (The Sound Of Exhale)

Deep in my stomach
"Just to feel love"
The words you say
Feed me well

I think
You should think
More
Before
You say anything further

My words are halting and my fingers stiff
I can barely bring to fruition the notes that are seeded in my soul
I feel like I am at complete odds with myself
A battle between good and evil
My mind and my heart
And currently those are synonymous
But I can't tell who is who
Everyday fighting between what is right
And what I should be running from
Why are these situations presenting themselves??
But how do I know what is THE right and what is MY right
I hope that I am aligned enough to know these things
But sometimes I wonder if it is all a mind influence

I'm babbling
I'm confused
You scare me
But you make me feel good?

I wouldn't be enough for you

Okay lets go through all my downfalls
I'm angry
Quick-tempered
Self-centred
Melodramatic
Unstable
Emotionally needy
Over-analytical
Judgemental
Assuming
Pridefull
Competetive
Cocky
Self-sufficient
And I don't think you're right.

Falling Into Weeds

We all fall abruptly to the wayside
With no reason or measure to get us back up
Caught in the tangles of what grows below

Oh folly, oh folly
We try to get up
Oh sensibility, such brevity
We wont find you if we try
No we wont find you if we try

And so our bones become twisted with the leaves and the greens
Crumbling and dematerializing and mixing with the clay
Where will we find our souls?
Being carried off by the beetles and the bugs
To some distant ground where they will bury or lay

Oh persistence, for we seem to be slipping out of reach
Into time or weeds
Or whatever this is that is swallowing is up
So stretch your hand up higher
And grasp whatever may be grasping from above

NewSong...With Dad!

I found a whale out in the sea
And in his grasp he sunk me deep
Everything is bluer when you're beneath

I climbed the stars right into night
So I asked why do you turn off your light
Everything is darker when you're asleep

These skies wont get any brighter
For those who live beneath the trees
So I climb up the canopy to freedom
And I can finally feel the breeze

I sat behind the crimson glass
And felt the holy fire at last
Everything is righter when you're in love

So you ask me where I've been
Well I don't like what I've seen
So I'm just running from what's to come

It Is Only You

I wont be taught by this world
Don't let them direct me
Their ideas and opinions
You alone will judge me
Don't let me be tossed by their impressions
Because they don't know the truth
I'm so convinced sometimes that they know me inside out
This is untrue
So my mind should not be swayed
By their countanence
Oh I am so crushed by how I let myself think
Get them off my mind

I Can't Lose Another...The Insatiable Need for Forgiveness

A terror rips my insides out
The need for affirmation was never so great as it is now
The thought of losing friendship
And mind is thrown into panic
Hyperventilation and sickness
I wish I was the type who could say
'forget them..'
And move on
But instead of forgetting I'm haunted by what I could have done differently
I pittifully keep saying sorry
For whatever I didn't do
Take me back I beg you, take me back take me back take me back

Truth-ish

I admit I want you,
But selfishly so.

Stars

I watched the stars for a while tonight
They were blinking and stirring
Like caught amidst a cacophony
Of massive, serene collisons
I swear they were closer to earth tonight

Simple.

God so amazing
Open my eyes
Because I don't understnad
I don't understand

Lover of my soul
Fill me up
Because I'm desperate for your love
I'm desperate for you love

I am a wanderer
And I need a place to land
I'm running to you take me by the hand
Yes I'm running to you, take me by the hand

Nothing to Say

What is it about oceans
That throw us under tow

You know my soul and the desires of my heart
Take me with you

Screetching To a Halt!

Don't quit me so quickly!

Get over yourself and go to bed.

I Need Your Love

I'm catching glimpses of goodness and truth
Oh how my heart yearns
Like eyes in the shadow,
With flickerings of light a glory is unveiled

Oh compassion, be good to me
Pour and flood me

Holy Spirit come
Fill my stomach and chest and mind and limbs
Fill every part of me

I praise I praise I praise
Singing and shouting and dancing and clapping
I can't make it clear enough
I can't make it big enough
How much praise you deserve

Break the dam God, break the dam
I want to wheep til I'm shaking
And laugh til I'm wheeping
I can't do it in disaster
I can't do it on my own
I don't want to forever be stuck in confusion and depression
Oh fill me
I can't even say those words
You
I will say your name

I'm tired from your filling
You have given me so much
The energy is drained from trying to comprehend it
From using my whole being to give something back

God oh God oh God
You are and because you are
You will and always will be
Compassion and grace
Omnipotent, omniscent, omnipresent
Father, Son, Holy Spirit
You with me

You with me

Let that sink in somehow.

You with me

Repeat repeat repeat repeat

You with me.

Laughter

The joy of the Holy Spirit has unexpectedly seized me
And laughter uncontrolled is pouring out my mouth
From my stomach, up through my chest
I don't even know why it comes about
But it feels so good
God, it feels so good!
Thankyou, I've missed it

Remanent Haiku

And to the dark east
One would lift their mournfull eyes
A prayer to free

Here is the deepest secret that I hold

Here is the deepest secret that I hold
And I will relay it only now, for the world to suck on
I am unsure

Crushing

I am unsure about this thing that I was so bent on from the start
All I wanted was something
Something!
And now here we go into that something spiral
And my foot is covering the break
No No No No nonononononoo blah!
That's my deepest secret.
I never rushed into anything
And the anything I want is still something I dearly want

But is it what I need?
That's the truth of this issue. A need...a completion...
And I'm not sure if this will complete anything.

As much as I want it to...I promise you..I do

Sick..I can't believe I'm writing this down...my secret.

This was a draft saved on June 12th. I was too scared to publish it, hoping so that my thoughts would change. I hate how I know.

In remembrance...

Missing some of the people I loved the most
I lost them down the tube somewhere along the road

I just remember nights when all I wanted was you
Innumerable times did I flip over you
You ruined my insides
Taught me how to reap my emotions
There was no justification to why you deserved such devotion
But you were IT in my eyes
All that I dreamed
One glance from you boy, and I was gone down the drain
I couldn't imagine moving on
In truth, I wouldn't let go
Because too many of my thoughts had been toward you turned
I'd spent too much time on you
Too much to give up

So where are you now?
I had you for a second or two
You made me laugh and lit me up
But the dream began to fade
I wish you were all I built you up to be
That is a fault of my own
I wish your gorgeous eyes still sent me to space and back home
So what does it come down to
When you're just not the one?
A brutality of words, all magic undone

I'm remembering all the times that I simply ached
So frustrated that I cried
Angry that I couldn't be done with you
Furious that I was still so taken
I'd walk away from you and swear it'd be the last time
I'd yell at you and be mean to you
Call you names and throw things at you
And still, session over
I'd come back the next week
Begging for forgiveness
Don't let it be the last time...please please please
I hated you til I loved you
And right back again
And still I never knew you
But that's what held me on

I wish you could have just told me
Poured your soul to me
Conversed wildly about your hearts dreams
And stoked a life seeking fire in me

I wish so many things
But I wasn't for you
And you weren't for me

So I will remember you fondly
You may never know
I wish you would have read this once and a while
I was quite wild about you
But that was all so long ago
I hope you find a sense of peace
A love from your Creator
And a pretty girl to hold you close
I will try and hide my jealousy
But I wasn't for you
And you weren't for me

I needed to write a final ending to a VERY long chapter. Interestingly, all recorded here on my blogs. Anyways...I said it so many times before, but it is finally closed.

http://adanae.blogspot.com/2006/02/boy-you-are-afraid-but-that-doesnt-get.html

Seriously

I'm white like an egg shell
With spider-web cracks splayed across

I need to lighten up A LOT
I hope everyone doesn't think as constantly as I do
My mind reaction and over-analyzation
Muds my tires and sinks me down low
I need to see light more often
There's a lot of over-dramatization going on
All built up in my mind
I've got a writers passion
But I cannot get caught up in the outlook
It throws me for deep and distressing spells

So take me from my wall and throw me down hard
I need to get over myself and out of myself

Reflex

I have the reflex to withdraw
To some other time or place
Where no one knows my face
How helpless I feel without that

False

Don't take what she says to heart

I like not having walls

You're right

I am bruise-free!

You will come out bruise-free!

The earth is flat

Frustrated at Nothing

That's stupid!
Why wouldn't you rise to the challenge?
No fighter at all
Maybe I would have said no
But how could you have known?
At least you would have died a heroes victory
You don't even know what I think!

I'm stupid
You're wise
Unselfish and timely

I'm frustrated at the fact that you think you can plan me
Don't set your hopes upon me, you know what I'll do
Set your clock instead, let me tick inside your head
Well I wont go your way
I'll fight it just for the sake of fighting
Maybe I'll like you just for the sake of liking
Yea that's foolish
But you wouldn't expect it!
I hate when people think that they know just what I'll do
So they change their minds because they're probably right
"oh she'll just fall through"
Well screw it, I don't want it, and sure, I don't want you
But you could at least find out why
So not to assume me an amateur and a fool
So not to make you a martyr in your world

Obviously I'm selfish and ignorant and uncontrolled
Quick to anger and a temper to behold
Passionate and whirlwind, artistic and amused

But what about the things that go against the grain
The things that would eventually drive you insane
I'm curious to see how your mind would work THOSE out
I don't think you'd take me then
Yea, you wouldn't take me then!
Challenge that!

On My Head

Recall with a steady heart

"I'm yelling at everyone and hoping they wont hear
I'm not a safe girl to ever be near
But oh, my sweet child, wont you jump that boat
Whisper something decadent on the risk of your life"

And parallel.

The truth shouldn't come out in my tears
Nor like this
Not a

Sinking

Feeling

In

m
y

Ch
e
st.

I found a room with a burning fire
Red with it almost
Golden on the edges like a memories photograph
And the people were just silhouettes against that lantern fire light
And they bustled and talked jovially
While I sat right in that chair
I sat right in that chair
For a long long time
And it all went on before me in the slow and speeding time
While I sat right in that chair
Like a statue I sat there
It was warm and black and fiery
I want to stay in that chair

Tune My Heart To Sing Your Praise

Sometimes I go into these things without any plan or direction, just the reflex of knowing I need to write. There's something in me and it's crawling its way out...if not through my fingertips then through groaning or rambling or tears. This is my heart's conduit, my love language, my nature. It no longer is a matter of considering my phrasing or word combination, it is simply how I think. Every contemplation is a poem to the world, every cry and combustion is a psalm to God. The outpouring of my spirit's joy reigns through my wording.

So I ask you
What is it that I'm saying now?

A compilation of every other second in the day.

In Today's Notes

Oh my God my God, where have you put me?
With a burden that breaks my fragile shoulders and porcelain back?
"No, lay your burdens on me, there is nothing I give you that is too much"

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens.
Selah"
Psalm 68:19

I will lift these heavy eyes to the heavens
I will shout out in praise
What is praise amidst pain? I have to find out
Amidst distress and discomfort
Confusion and fear
What is praise then?
I will shout out and find out

All My Aid Was Detrimental

This is all divine imagery
I suggest you don't come any nearer to me

Whatever you hoped for in your head
It's all shadows and misconceptions

Walk away, Run away
Whatever you need to do
Just stop wanting what I can't offer
Myself

Girl

I like you better because you're real
You smile and feel
Just like all the other girls
Maybe that feels unoriginal
But at least you're not fake
I feel less afraid
And more akin
Unthreatened but ready to let you on in

Don't leave me this way

I'm amazed how full of anxiety I become
Any time I even see your name, or pass by your place
Anything even mildly related to you
And my stomach seizes up and my body freezes
My breath becomes shallow and my head starts realing
What would I do if I saw you?
I was the one without a broken heart
Is it fair to say you still left me with nothing
No sense of closure or 'lets make it okay'
So now I'm terrified to be near you
Scared that you're somewhere in this city
The same city as I
And someday without warning you could pass by
I think I would fall or lose conciousness
Or say a pleasent hello and break down at home

Take me with you 'cause I'm lonely

Preface: Lately I've been using song titles for my blog, if you hadn't realized. I am way too influenced

Occasionally wishing there was no account for my actions
That I honestly didn't know what was right or wrong
That I was the type who "tested the waters"
That I could kiss you and be done with it
But I'm so overwhelming convinced of what is not mine
The difference between being temporary and selfishness
It's very frustrating
Frustrating even more is that I put it into words only to convict myself more of what I need to watch myself on
I wish I could just stumble sometimes

When we were young we hit like hammers

What is it that breaks me in two?
It doesn't take much honey, not much at all

There are further away places than this, I'm sure
That I could run to and never be found
Hide my face beneath layers of sackcloth
And ashes

Cold tea tonight, read the leaves, reflected back
In a green starry sky
I'm so happy outside, so happy outside
You wouldn't believe the forgotten life inside

Deeper beneath the surface
You sink into murky
I'm not talking about myself anymore
I don't think
You know how it looks, though,
When the surface is rippling light above
And you're a drifting article below
Falling, as your fingers reach
How deep that echo when you hit that ground
Goodnight goodnight
I've found my hollow

And breathe
And breathe and breathe
Keep reminding yourself
I want it to hurt God
Every inhale and exhale
Break me til I'm free
Ruin me when I breathe

My ramblings....

Monday, October 29, 2007

Sick of Body and Heart

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Saturday, October 27, 2007