My ramblings....

2 Things

I'm wondering how the world goes on without you?
I cannot figure out
How it turns and tilts and spins without you




Modesty blessed,
It is a lost treasure

posted by Unknown @ 11:09 PM 0 Comments

Husha, We All Fall Down

You have made a critical error in your jumping judgement
And whilst you fall to that bottomless pit
We sit on the edge staring listlessly in all directions but yours
Does it hurt to be told that there is no visual imagery worth substaining in you?
The arrow grazes even my own pride and I apologize for the brutal intent of the masses
But I question you...will you ever learn, and stop climbing up to the moon?
It doesn't seem to be your place.

posted by Unknown @ 9:27 AM 0 Comments

Abe

Once upon a time, long ago, there was a man who lived amidst the mountains and woods of a fairie tale land. He was not a prince nor was he a pauper. He was simply weathered and wrinkled. This man worked hard each day, building and raking and fixing and praying. Every morning he would sit alone and sip a large cup of coffee, black, and reap the silence. In the evening, he would hum and read stories to his children and drift off early to the evening dim. He was not famous, nor was he rich, but he was good. And that will last as a tale to be told through the ages.

posted by Unknown @ 9:38 PM 0 Comments

1, 2, 3, 4

I am almost ready to go on that secret search for your heart

posted by Unknown @ 9:54 PM 0 Comments

Laboured Breathing

The truth of it, in the most comprehensive explanation I can divulge.

There are those among us who are artists. Some building and some rearranging, some growing and picking. Some lift to your eyes and waft the arroma, some merely turn on the light. But all are filled. Their hearts are never dry but pulsing with oceans and grass winds and downpours. Their minds never go a moment without taking the upright and turning it on it's side, or throwing it out the window.

Life is vivid.

There are also those, fewer in number, who are constantly reshaping not only the world around them but that within. And they are not soft, nor kind. They cut and mold and break and bend until they themselves are their self build ideal. But this ideal is not always true. They are the thinkers, mullers, musers, and analyzers who push the envelope and fuel the thoughts of the rest in the world. Honest and self-defined, not urged by anyone but themselves.

To be perfected.

But the truth of it is not the being, but the afterthought. Yes these people exsist and feel deeply...but this deepness dips to lower lows than most have seen or heard of. The pendelum is not balanced. The joy is steady and even, where as the darkness overwhelms and sinks. There are many who, in one day out of one hundred, are never able to draw their head back up again. What of those who are faced with the perpetual morning empty, or the nightly corrupting terror?

I never thought that my world, which at one point not long ago was so vivid and full of growth...could suddenly mean nothing at all to me. Falling into the sky and encapsulated by the surrounding expanse, crushed by the emptiness and black that has chosen me in this moment. How do I climb my way back?

And learning.

Learning to close my mind to all that creeps and seeps into the corners of my mind and hear which have never been indulged in before...and when I dare to look only evil arises then. So never look...this is the hard and ernest. And when I am there it seems the only thing I can do to resist my own emotions course is to cry out to God.

Oh God? I'm afraid I'll forget you now. I've thought about it, leaving everything behind. Am I weak because I am taken? This is just the flipside of your gifts, and I can't control it. God? I am not joyful. I am not happy. Not that I don't try, I just don't have those things. They're nowhere in me to be found. Not in my soul or body or anywhere else I've tried looking. I can't even see them in you sometimes. I've tried looking there too. Am I weak because I'm drowning? What if I can barely move my limbs to keep myself afloat? God? I know your there...but I am at a point of lack. A lack of feeling...love...joy...strength...wisdom...clarity...bravery...

That's the truth sometimes.

posted by Unknown @ 10:29 AM 1 Comments

Where Are You Now?

Oh all the little ones have gone and grown old
And the wrinkles at my eyes barely have time to form before one or another has been called home
Was this always how it was with each and every one?
As you walked into the distance, you felt their fingers touch your shoulders
And draw you down their lifelines for a single glance back?
The whos and whats and wheres echo blandly into the dead space
And the momentary quench and the shiver up your spine only come from looking deeper into their eyes

posted by Unknown @ 1:05 PM 0 Comments

Silly Cells

I'm wondering how I work?

These particles that make me up...where do they come from?

Because often they don't seem real or intelligent or humane

Moreso irrational and outrageous and unsure

Will they always backfire when they get what they want?

Will they ever really know what they want?

Speaking as though it's my cell's that fuel my mind and makeup makes me feel a lot better about myself

posted by Unknown @ 10:12 AM 0 Comments

Funny, Curious, Story

It's funny when I Told You So
Is rising up my throat
Like any other sickening sigh
I hold it inside
Don't judge don't look don't doubt

And I wonder if this thing started it all?
The end, the curtain fall
And here it is, you're practically selling it to me

I'd never put money into that

You've heard that phrase before

posted by Unknown @ 10:03 AM 0 Comments

Searching For Myself

I'm wondering how to build my life upon someone stronger
How to let it all go to someone who can bare it
I need to learn to set it aside when it's all too much
Instead of falling apart beneath it all
You provide a way out
Over and over again I will remember
Everything that breaks my back is a feather on your shoulder
I want to find You inside of me
And celebrate

posted by Unknown @ 10:05 PM 0 Comments

Basically

I'm too emotional
Anything above the norm sends me reeling
Although I generally hide it well
I'm lying
Please please please
I'm lying.

posted by Unknown @ 11:20 PM 0 Comments

Jailed

Life Death and Repeat,
It's a shooting range of possibilities
And I can't seem to get over whatever turmoil should arise
There's a sickness that has setteled within me
And when I close my eyes, black is the brightest light against my lids
I feel confined to my chest and to my body
There is something else that is beating and bursting
I don't know how to find it
I'd let it out of my eyes or my mouth if there was anything to pour it into
Instead I wrap myself in sheets and try to hold it together

posted by Unknown @ 11:17 PM 0 Comments

Picture This

I'm wondering if there is a way I can spell my way through the stars
I've hit my head on the attic ceiling again
And the dust comes pouring down, exploding through a moment's bliss in the rays
I'm wondering if I could spend forever there
Where even in the flurry, it all stands still
The sun creeps in through unplanned cracks and boarded window
Here, where even the rusted nails and broken plates exude a bit of beauty
Here where I first grew my love for black and white and floral
I'm wondering if the creatures here know what harmony is
Even the floor boards below smell of warmth

posted by Unknown @ 12:44 PM 0 Comments

Jake.

Oh sweet love
She has escaped again into the fields!
Chase her there
Where grass grows soft and tall
You have found yourself wrestling with the angels
But now is not the time!
Time and time again, evasive and quick
Still though she is fragile like this
Work and sweat
Run and search
She has gone to the fields again

posted by Unknown @ 12:05 AM 0 Comments

Good Is Here. Good Is Now.

I have opened my eyes
In a sudden calm
To the soft picking strings
To the tug on my heart
To my Father's peace inside my soul

And on a still night
When the dark is simply arranged
By the street lights and house candles
I will understand that this world is still right
In some corners of itself
That my tears can still be felt in love and joy
And not tormented by any deep lows that I should swing into

I have secrets to hide
And laughter to share
I have experianced saddness in many reflections
And a richness unbounded
How will I find myself?
And still, define myself?
In my Father

I trust that I will stand firm like Esther
Dedicated like Ruth
Compassionate like Mary
Keep me unswerving, that is all I beg
I am safe in You

For all that should come, it is only this life
And in following You, You have entrusted me with these few things
Help me love well
Help me comfort and protect
Help me be a woman of Truth and Honesty and Peace
Help me find the beauty of quiet
Help me be the fullness of myself, as outgoing as I am, it is a face of You

I want to find that part of me that is Your distinct imprint
And I want to be a clear vision of You
I want to be the original, independant, compassionate person You made me

Give me strength and grace and courage and Love

Speak to me of what is good and right
I want to see those things

posted by Unknown @ 11:53 PM 0 Comments

Sigh

Here it is now
A quiet and a smile

Thankyou for your blessings.

posted by Unknown @ 11:42 PM 0 Comments

The Thing About Collisions Is...You Feel Them

I have followed you over
In a barrel unkept
I have frequently run and hid and left
But still in your secrets I was held
How did we get here
I felt it all along
I spoke long ago of a meeting place
A night just like this
It was all the ringing in my ears
My imagination told you stories
And somehow our worlds followed
It wasn't a collide
Just a quiet appearance

I faint and I flush
This is all too much

Can one give out their heart so distinctly so
To whoever they think may never know
Only to find it laid back down
With a gentle voice that speaks no sound

Here is a universe
Here is me
I seem to shrink significantly
But still in my questionings
On a rainy day
A heartfelt cry
To the clouds displayed
To the music of years
The symphonies and synthesizers
Find something here
Find it find it find it!
Besides terror, you always were that girl

Besides sickness and fear
Besides doubt and disdain
For such a bright child you always look to the dark end
The deeper and the unknown, the felt but rarely true
Am I diseased?
What do I know about life except for what I want?

I know that I heard a resonance
And now it's a full blown ring

Bring me through, or in, or out
Bring me to

posted by Unknown @ 6:40 PM 0 Comments

Alexandra Is...

A Yellow Bird

What's so simple in the moonlight, by the morning seems absurd

Quoting, and enthralled by, BrightEyes.

Concerned about all those times she wrote...don't read them. Some were good, most weren't.

Apologizing for her art and feelings. Never mind.

In a rain storm.

Wondering how things happen these days. Is it beauty and music, or love and laughter? Do I push or stall?

Not sure whether this is a poem, or a life exerpt. Fits under "ramblings"

Unabridged and dependent. Concerned and contemlative. Passionate. Independant and unsure. Searching. Visionary. Faithfull. Original and questioning herself.

I was wondering the other day whether any thing I say is truly me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just putting on a face to keep things pleasent, and I don't realize it til after what I was doing. I try to be honest and then I just want to ask "Do you really think that's who I am? Can you please tell me because I can't?" I want to be real and original and transparent but I don't know if I can actually pull it off. I am so confused about this self-discovery thing. I am even starting to look down on my own outgoing-ness which I shouldn't. I feel like I'm overwhelming. Like I'm Too Much...which is another thing that I look back on after a time of fun and think "wow...was that real? was that genuine? am I over the top?" It scares me because all I want to do is be clear and truthfull in who I am. I guess the truth is am I showing God through myself in what I do and who I choose to be? What is myself? I don't know why I am faced with this question so often but I hope I will understand it soon.

Excited, nervous, intelligent, outrageous, blessed, a sister.

posted by Unknown @ 3:25 PM 0 Comments

I Need You SO Baddly

All the fear I ever saw
How wrong I was

That's usually how it goes
Me, quick to move, jump, speak, yell
Not to consider, look ahead, be aware

I need to be still now
Clear headed
...and brave

I don't neccessarily feel clarity
Or calm
But more good
And true
I feel honest
And straight forward

I may be wary
...and scared

I don't know what I'm doing
God
I need you.

I know, my saying that is a bit redundant
I have to keep reminding myself because there's always something in me that wants to take control, thinks I have chance...
Not at all
I am terrified of holding anything in my hands
Terrified of the possibilites of me screwing it up
Which...is about...99.8% possibility, if you'd like an amount
So whatever it is God, You have my heart
It is fully completely yours because most of the time I drop it and break it and just can't take care of it
Please be gentle with it, speak firmly to it.
Let it know what to do
Because I sure don't

I have a hit and run mentality
Unfortunately
I have a habit of bolting like a dear in headlights
Even when I know I'm safe
No, that's a lie, it's because I don't have a clear view of safety
This is life God, and it freaks me out
Hold my heart God, tightly to Yours

Let me listen to your breathing, as the minutes pass

Nothing is without
All is with You

posted by Unknown @ 11:16 AM 0 Comments

Hyperventilation

My upset stomach has turned to full on sickness
Something about my chemicals turns good into panic
Take it God, take me
Any fears I may have, for all is in your hand
What better comfort than to know that the God of the universe has my well-being in mind
How I rest in the truth of your grace, your guiding hand is my focus

No more yelling or tears my dear
Your daddy is here to lift you up
No matter what I will show you a way
In or out, around and throughout

Thankyou God for your love
I am safe in You

posted by Unknown @ 12:29 PM 1 Comments

Holy Waterfalls

It is one thing or another...God I cannot handle either
I can't be a flat being, lifeless and cold
Life is not worth living without vivacity and colour
But suddenly, unexpectedly, my healthy emotions are almost too much to handle
I feel flooded with them, overwhelmed
And they pour out of me at every thing, I can't even handle it!
I feel like something isn't set right
Help me out please
I know all I am is in you
So if anything...help me know you
Maybe my heart is crying as yours would?

posted by Unknown @ 11:11 PM 0 Comments

Time to Wake Up

Departing the back of the bindings
Into double vision
I have entered into some other parallel universe
And my eyes can barely see this from that
But a barely clarity lingers on the edges
Until it collapses to tunnel view
Where am I right now
In another world

posted by Unknown @ 3:20 PM 0 Comments

A Woman, A Foreign One

There is a woman who walks taller among us
She carries the air of mystery
Yes, she carries it well.

There are many who whisper into hungry ears
She is a imposter in this country
A veiled enchantress, waiting for our demise
No, not even waiting...calling upon!
She has a craving in her fingers,
A burden on her spine,
To offer it all to us, dead in the ground
Cold, stiff, burried, grey
We know, it must, It Is Her Wish.

She, of Eastern blood and European heritage, is unphased
But any and all of this world
And her skin, which is set so smoothly across her bones
Reflects only the lightly shimmering eyes
Which rest upon her own

She has a fire inside
I saw it once, when I dared to spy
Now I can barely go a moment without seeing it, her, in my mind
It is etched there
Burning within my mind

Where can I go to lose her?
I am running wild

This woman stands tall, and burns inside

posted by Unknown @ 10:31 AM 0 Comments

I Serve The Divine Inspirer

If I could find you,
Deep inside child
And rearrange you
It would never be as good

So it is, little thing
That what you imagine would never be as good
As what I do

What is sensational?
The stars, love, the moon and the sky
What has no equal, unfathomably expressed?
The earth and it's creatures
The workings of your body

I love for you to dream
To whisper your hopes and secrets above
In your skyward glaces
You speak your desperate emotions
And quitely feel

I love them, but let me have them
Set them gently upon my heart
And upwards I will thrust them
Expanding and multiplying!
Never before have you seen such grandeur
These are your passions? Why yes my, love, yes they are!
And here they are stronger than ever
More than you believed to be true!

Please, let me show you child
I see so much further than you

posted by Unknown @ 10:23 AM 0 Comments

Ruth

It has come to this, my love
That I do lie at your feet and wait for your awakening
And I know that my choices were bountiful
With my fair skin and dark hair
But it is you, in your generosity
Your protection, kindness, and boldness
That I have set my heart upon
That you should take me in like one of your own
And provide for and protect me
Is more than I could resist
So I simply ask that you take me as yours forever
Obstacles arise but you are wise
None other could match so completely, you know this well
So I will wait in my best dress and perfume
Purchase your land and fields, spending all that you have
If only to make me yours

posted by Unknown @ 9:47 AM 1 Comments

Ohh

I was going to tell everyone my deepest secret today
But then I got too scared
Isn't that just how it goes

posted by Unknown @ 9:36 AM 0 Comments

And from my heart my words spill over...take these for they are all I have

What is this sickness that has crept into my heart
It cries out in mournfull lonliness
With pangs of it's own unhealthy breath
Ragged and disfunctional
It has gone blank once again
Who is this empty eyed one?
Where have I gone?

----------------------------------------

Do I even know who I am? Sometimes when I am scared or sad, I wonder if this is a result of my lack of self-awareness. Am I so good at faking it that I AM it? Or am I so sure of who I am that it isn't even something that need cross my mind. Is it supposed to be something I am blatently aware of, and the fact that I am not just proves my lack of self-knowledge? Or is the proof merely not questioning whatsoever?

----------------------------------------

How do I feel about who I am today? I feel edgy (on the edge). I have no visable or recognisable insecurities but I am still lonely. I desperately want love. I know this because I get emotional every time I hear about the sweet, deep, boundless love God has for me. The love that has no requirments. No shoes I must fill. Nothing I must be or do or believe. Still it stands. But I don't feel like I can reach out and grab it. I feel thirsty, no, starved for it. I don't want to feel empty and lonely. I know I am close to the door of fulfillment but I just can't enter. Where am I God?

Should I just keep talking?

I want someone to know me, and I think it should be you. I am nervous, doubting, still edgy. I want to feel you. I don't think I am lost, just off track, but even that has created such a despair in me that I can barely comprehend. Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? Who am I?

------------------------------------------

What does my heart entail?
Is it more than I could ever know?
Only hope...

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Die to yourself
To the pleasures of the flesh
Only then will you start to truly participate in the deep joy which only Christ can provide

------------------------------------------

I ache Lord
A deep painfull ache
That longs for a deep thorough completion
A healing
A refreshing
A powerfull outflowing of Your Love
I need you Lord
I need you

------------------------------------------

"The more I get to know the Lord, the more my heart aches for those who don't know Him"

"Let my heart break for the things that break Your heart"

"It is my drink, my food, my hobby, my aspiration, and all night long I dream about it" (In regards to following a Christ filled life)

------------------------------------------

And now, take my selfishness
Take my self-centredness
Take me

I turn my heart towards You
And whatever you should do with it
With my gifts and abilities (all from You)
With my money and resources (all belonging to you)
With my mind, voice, hands, feet, muscles, blood, heart, soul
All For You
What I am? Who I am? Where I go?
These questions

All I find in You

posted by Unknown @ 9:51 PM 1 Comments

I Am Good At Poker

Apart from...
Distance away...
Set aside for Hello alone
Hardly
Few may know that I am always at the brink
Always waiting for the nudge over the edge
To cross to proximity...
A close one
A no longer oneness
But, be decieved...
My poker face is fantastic!

posted by Unknown @ 9:29 AM 0 Comments

This World

"Undoubtedly"
She announced, pointedly
"This world has gone to shambles
The rain is too cold
The sun is too hot
And these people
These people are mad
Angry, ugly, disillusioned and delusional
Radical, old-fashioned"
And on this she stood her ground

Can we help but laugh?

And yet some, who can't help but sink into the truth of the matter
Are overwhelmed with emotion and tears
Barely keeping themselves from falling apart under the weight of these words
For they know she is not alone
No, she has a following, a followed
Even those she speaks of are interwoven with her in the web of ideaology
And all the delusioned people are delusioned about eachother
This endless cycle, ripping apart any ties that ever once faintly exsisted

A perpetual destruction of humanity

posted by Unknown @ 4:07 PM 1 Comments

Quiiittttttt Ittttttttttt

There are certain miniscule moments
Unguided glances in my direction
That I can't seem to escape or erase
For following days after days
I am left reconsidering and reeling and hyperventilating
Over one little imprint that briefed my eyes
I want to quit everything now
Something wont let me
It better not be you

posted by Unknown @ 10:03 PM 1 Comments

Heart Cry. newsong

Even in my darkest day
He will lift my weary head
And though I wade in hopelessness
He will draw away my pain

And though the world
My take my mind
Keep my heart Lord, pure and strong
And though I falter
Time after time
You will hold me night after night

And when I trial should come to rise
Keep these tears clear from my eyes
Help me tread upon your word
With only my Father's voice to be heard

Here Lord, here Lord, my hands open wide
Here Lord, here Lord, fill my life
Take everything that I've ever held tight
And hold my heart in Yours

posted by Unknown @ 6:32 PM 0 Comments

In A Moment Of Weakness

I found that I wanted to love unconditionally. This is a daring and passionate thing.
That I wanted to be loved more than the mind can imagine, a love that strives to dive into the deepness of ones soul.
I wanted someone who understood. Everything. Even my nerves and my pain.
Someone who I could care for when all else was wrong.

God you are these things and an unfathomable amount beyond. In my weakness, I might choose to settle, and I know none could match up to your mold. Let me be patient, strong, and trusting.

posted by Unknown @ 12:24 AM 0 Comments