Shiiiii....zam!
I'm in a heartless state
Vacant and bruised
I DON'T WANT THAT
I could yell and scream as much as my mind would let me
But really my heart is jealous and needy
My face becomes contorted from lack of feel
I'm the type who curls back in her shell
It's okay my dear
This is only a season of beating
You'll pass on scarred
But not without healing
Some Day
I want to dream of you
Pick me up off the floor
Get sick over you
Remember my laugh
Cry lakes on your shirt
Ache over just one face
Tell you exactly what I know
Read every word I write
Find out what shakes you
Understand my wholeness of idiosyncrasies
Not comprehend how I feel this way
Feel the same
Out There
There's something about your wild life and darkened eyes
That brings my heart to the floor
This seems surreal, all these colours and crazy things
This isn't a bubble or a movie to be watched
It is life and I don't understand yours
I don't think it has to be like this
And I always end up wondering how you got to be this way
To think this way and do these things
That explode out of the darkness like a hand drenched in blood
Unphased you walk away but there's a melting pot around you
A stench unreleased
Are you hurting, have been hurt?
What's gone wrong?
Is there a reason you feel so far gone from love
That you're in a deep end
Or maybe it's lighter, and I just don't understand
This is all slow motion to me
All terrifying lights and shadows where I can't breathe
I wish I knew how to grasp you
How to pull you up, or at least hold on
I can barely comprehend this style, or life, or thought
And I don't know how to go about you at all
Uhhh
I want to be friends forever
But nothing more nothing more nothing more
I can't do this
It's too hard
You can't play it
It's not your part
Sick...profanities and stuff.
Enjoy this now
Bless this now
Be this now
Don't cry/yell/ruin/explode now
Got Soul? Newsong
Here is my state of denial
Oh I am not a broken child
Take me back to that place I don't belong
I am always right on top
Of everything that could go wrong
But don't leave it to me to make anything right
Well I am a seeker for something true
And I wont leave without a fight
I want to know if I could be found too
And I am falling left and right
Trying to hold together these scraps of life
I wonder if you could set me on my feet again
Under pressure from dusk to dawn
Every day is a car crash
And I need to find a way to breathe some air in
Well to put it simply I'm breaking apart
From my hungry spirit to my weeping heart
I don't even know what my own body needs
Right Now
It's about time for a break
In every possible way
The break in which you stop and breath
And the break in which you crack and fall apart
I'm compressed and cluttered
Nothing left, even for a collosal mind
My chest is squeezed tight, nearly shut
And I don't have much of a capacity for love or compassion
The little pockets that I have are crying for filling
I need I need I need
I've poured myself out
At the end of my rope
I need a reach and a pull back in
A dive and a soak in an ocean of energy and strength and mercy and care
I'm not meaning to be stoic, I just have none of these things
Fill me Fill me Fill me
Anyone, from anything
I am so parched in the heart
Don't think I don't like you, I'm just barely able to express
Breathe Breathe Breathe
Nameless
I don't like how short fused I am lately
Whether lacking emotion or overflowing
It seems unnatural and without inhibition
I can't find a consistancy
Words to say to explain what I feel
And this is all too abrupt
I need a good nights sleep.
1..2...3.....
It's a delicate balance here
Sometimes I can't find grace
It's not in my veins or muscles
Simply vanished, ran off with the wind
And you infuriate me suddenly
So suddenly that I can't prepare or regain control
Just shake in my skin until I've cooled enough to pass
Why do you do it?
Why do I care?
I wish I was a peacefull being at all times
--------
I can't take truth away from cause
But I can't be one to bring it about
I've contemplated and convinced
And am simply incapeable
So let it be blessed
Or let it be undone
But not by my doing.
Claudia Wasn't Right
Ah this hurts me
A sudden ache within my chest
To see such discontinuity
This is not right
One must be loved
Not let down or let up
I don't know you
But I know you're worth it
You're worth the deepest love
Not this stand up
You are worth her time
Dave Crowder Lyrics....Paul...God...and me trying to figure it out
Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company of all who love the King
I will dance, I will sing
It could be heavenly
Turn the music loud, lift my voice and shout
From where I am
From where I've been
He's been there with me
He's built a monument
His very people
So let his people
Sing, sing, sing
-DCB
Passionately persuing with reckless abandon
How else can this fire in my soul be quenched?
Fueled, exploded
Into the outer reaches of the universe
That's where I want to go
You've done this in me
Ignited a desire for what's right
For my living and following
My searching and doing
There is a deficit in my soul without you
Something broken, a discrepancy between my halves
I need to be made good
I have a pre-exsisting need within me
To be loved by you, and to love thereon
It is deep set and often I underestimate it
In overlooking, it becomes volatile
Starved for my own deepest need
My very reason of nature
To be close to you, to have your whispers echoed in my heart
So I'll start over again
Saying things I've said million times over
"For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway" (Romans 7:17-19)
"It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge." (Romans 7:21-23)
I can't make promises for I know I will only break them
I don't want to be a liar but that's all I can seem to do
I want to live right, but I can't
So where does that leave me?
How do I feed a hunger I know I have
When all I keep doing is walking away from it?
"I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different." (Romans 7:24-25)
Praise God for I am speechless
My words have been echoed in the centuries, the millennia
And still they continue to reverberate off the walls of time
Oh we are a broken people
And we know not what we do
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.
And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us,
who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit."
(Romans 8:1-4)
Caution
I'm feeling less well
Conflicting spirits arise
And things once light have sunk into my belly
I want to hold onto you
But reality is kicking in
No sense of what is good for you or for me
I want to be cautious
I'm hoping that posting it here will make it seem less real life
Helpless Without You
I'm standing any way I know how
These legs aren't sturdy, formed in the sea
I'm exhaling because it's all I can do to breathe
To release
I want to be done with it, whether there was wrong or right
I want this to be the last thing I ever say on the topic
I don't want my heart to be lied to
I don't want my mind to be critisizing
I just want to leave it here and walk away
My past is a precious book which I can read and involve
But this chapter I would like to skip and leave for the time being
I'm not ready for consideration
It's a bad taste in my mouth
And I don't want to have this as something I moderate
I'm not strong enough for it
You know that
You know I'm confused and don't know here from there
So take it from me
I'm throwing it far
Put yourself in the place where it's left its mark
Peace is what I need
Grace
Affirmation
Love
I just need your love
Deeply affect those regions of my soul
Please
Deeply affect those regions of my soul
Deeply affect those regions of my soul
Ding! Interrupted.
My life
Interrupted by stars and colours
Velocity and ferocity
Between the lines
My thoughts are consistant
I think the bravest thing I could do would be to say them out loud
Trying not to become repetetive
But reaching the point of just one thing
Embelishment
I've got a sunburn
Head to toe
A flawless complexion of eternal glow
Rays out
Soak in
Lungs inflate
Knees collapse
The entire world has turned slightly on it's side
No No No, This Is Not What I Want
All that is blocked out in her eyes
Leaves me to wonder
Where is the truth in a pool so shallow
There's a vacancy sign, hung on the locks
And here in the mine fields
We're praying for the same thing
I just want decency, whether that comes in the form of a lack of depth
Or not, it's just what I want
Laboured breathing
Harboured thought
Reeling for miles
Stormed and distraught
I just want simplicity
A character without consistancy
Because that seems to erase the futility that always arises
When I am clearly less than expected
But yet, to this day, I can't escape it
This sort of complexity firmly rooted in my body and soul
Since the day I was born I was someone with a purpose
And still I can't outgrow it to a faker life
Friend
Oh these fears
They've come again
Thankyou for being a friend who can identify
I feel waves of insecurity about my lack of control
For who knows what tomorrow will bring
But yes, that is the way of life
We continue to walk on, trusting in the steady steps of God
Amidst our ever changing plans and feelings and circumstances
And after that, I am unafraid that our friendship will remain!
Silly...but true
My chemicals are acting up again
Everytime the space between is lessened
Uncontroled explosions.
Bah!!
I've exasperated every second thought
And I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be
Hanging on to every note
Just to eventually catch a key
But I wont beg or give
I'll follow your lead
I'm running to nothing
Please give me an inch
I'm not belonging, but I'm stuck on this
The Whirlwind of Love (there is loveliness and complete frustration)
Dear God,
Be my cornerstone
And everything that I go off of,
Go for,
Go about...
Everything.
Help me to not settle,
Nor to avoid good intentions,
Help me to trust those who love me.
Affirm me,
Give me peace.
Work through my gut and intuition,
And somehow help me realize your leadings.
Let me see myself as I truly am:
A flawed individual
An incapable being
An infinately loved invalid.
Let me release all these things which don't belong to me
For if I hold on to them, my efforts are menial and faulty,
But if I give them to you to utilize and bless,
Then, oh yes, I have found riches indeed.
Gifts and Strengths
Here.
Dreams
Here.
Money and Objects
Here.
Wants and Desires
Here.
Plans
Here.
Fears and Insecurities
Here.
You know the desires of my heart. You formed me in my mothers womb. You know the intricacies of my being. You knew me before the creation of the earth.
You spark within me my passions and dreams, giving my vigour and hope for what is to come and what may be accomplished.
You stoke this fire of love for all things beautiful, explaining slowly the true meaning of beauty. What is real, what is in your image, what is art, what feels, what breathes, what praises your name without words, what reflects your beauty. What sits beneath the sun and what expands above it. What evolves and recreates, and what withstands the eons of time. What smiles in it's poverty. What aches in it's sorrow. What is lonely, frightened, compassionate, generous, brave, fighting, hating, crying, losing, expecting, and dying.
You leave me thirsty, wanting more. I can't clearly breathe without you. I find myself thinking about you often. More than comfertable. I'm lost when I'm not with you. I AM NOT FILLED. I am uncertain without you. I need to know more about you. I can't find myself without finding you there. I'm confused by you. I'm frightened by you. I am unworthy of you.
I'm discovering that more frequently you are in the place of my wants.
I want love from him...
No, in fact I want love from you.
I need to discover myself...
Actually, I need to discover you.
I love to learn about this earth...
I love to learn about your creation.
I can't escape you, you follow me where I go. Sometimes I try to duck and dodge, but still you sit in the dark corners and hidden hollows.
Sometimes I feel you mean to shame me or make me feel guilty. I think this is wrong. I know you encourage me to learn and work at building our relationship, but I don't think I should feel dogged by guilt. Or maybe I should? I need help with this.
The bottom line is this:
I need your love very very desperately.
I want to make right choices that are pleasing to you, and in issues regarding...well almost everything...I don't know how. I'm frightened and I feel inept.
But I am standing here aren't I?
That's enough right?
Something About Everything
I'm older now
And I don't know if this is commonly felt
But the possibilities are scattered across the horizon
And the freedom is scary because it's mine
Who you are is dimming the past
And striking the futures curiosity
I'm trying to tell in all directions about missing out
Because what I've now found
Now found me
I can look back on my old stories
Tracing them back to roots and reasons
And I'm still not sure there was a better way to do things
Because here I am now
Finding purpose to fit everything
I feel scattered
Closeness
I wish I could read you inside and out
By osmosis I try to soak it all in
Every bit you drop from your fingertips,
I catch, is golden
I'm dry, drown me out
Demon Lady
With your slender fingers
You grasp the throat
What for?
To take your own air back?
Your diamond encrusted knuckles
Are white, for lack of blood
Turning blue
To the shoulder blades
And reaching to the face
You become cold
Your husband, mother, sister
Told us you were infallible in your tactics
For what?
A gain of sainthood
In a hellhole monastary?
And still, a pale face
Pretty and twisted
From paled to ferocious
When all it's killings are surreptitiously commited
Strings of hair un-wetted
Body unwemmed
Still all that stirs inside is an atrocity
How you presume to decieve
Well you do, daily you do
Day 12
I've decided to quit my 30 day Haiku expedition. 30 days is a darn long time and I think after 10 I'm pretty well versed in the ways of the haiku. Plus, trying to fit one cognitive idea into the confines of 3 lines and 17 sylables is really quite daunting and restrictive, let alone the constant counting of the 5 7 5 pattern which really doesn't allow for the creative juices to flow naturally.
THEREFOR...
It is time to quit
This magical haiku trip
I'm finished with it
And so it ends. I do think, though, that this adventure will allow me more than ever to utilize this prose in the future. It has a stark, blatent, and clear feel to it which I like.
Join me next time.
