Oh my. 11
Day 11 needs a break
I'm thrown off balance
By dreams that quake
You're running off the walls of my mind
And there are many of us who cover our eyes
But what happens when the vision is inside
It's a mutual cooperation of the inability to believe and the purity of thought
That keeps me safe here
Nothing more, but I do want to be close
Can you fathom something you long ago threw out?
I'm catching my breath trying to surface it
And what happens when you want to shout it
Or simply whisper it to any passing ear
In the middle of a sentance at the most inappropriate time
I want to say it now
And oh what fortitude it takes to stand back!
To wait, to pause, to go, to give
I'm becoming a warrior and a lady in wait
The best part is, I am comfertable
And becoming more so
Unreserved and unwary
Oh my heart.
Day 10
Some thoughts sink like stilts
Into the threshing room floor
But this, this holds firm
Day 9
When you speak clearly
To ease my mind and feelings
I like you a lot
Take my heart Lord lead me on
Day 8
My heart is broken
For the hundredth time in years
Cry, delicate fool
Day 7
Don't pardon my yell
Don't avoid the cold ringing
It's real, it's icy
Day 6
Little bird waits here
Not far from your shoulder perch
Please drop something soon
Day 5
Oh this world alive!
Where no place under the sun
Is safe from dying
Yes, it is vivid
Neither frozen nor boiling
But always pulsing
Day 4
My soul, bare not bliss
And I faulter beyond hope
Greet the light at dawn
Day 3
Exhaustion, or pride
Hurts this morning like a bruise
Can I be held high?
About my own words
I cannot turn them rightside
So you must still chance
My rivers' run dry
Famished of the sweet blood streams
Now my vision fades
Self-absorbed people
Make me sick to the stomach
I need to go now
Day 2
Unnoteworthy stalls
What with this throat burning coal
Just the morning blur
Haiku- Day 1
I've decided for the next 30 days I will write only in Haiku to describe the day..or whatever it is I want to write about. Seeing as I have no tangeable inspiration today..but am merely practicing the form...I will write of my day.
Chaos was not bright
But tired conflict rose still
Retrospect hangs well
Frankly
I'm at a moment
A life-changing one that I am ready to jump on but afraid to admit
I have so many stories about you
All gathered up, here and there
I wish I could show you but that's all in time
I'm not sure if danger is really the right word
Or more of an explaination or reasoning for the truth of this all
I think about now I could collect all the best words I ever said
And compile them in an honesty box
Here, pick one, from me to you
So when I gather all the previously laid out information and combine it with what I currently know...I'm not sure if there ever was any way around it. I'm partially glad it was practically decades for the soul...and as an afterthought appreciative of my own stubborness. Did you know I gave a shot at hatred? No, not that severe but I called it that because I just wanted to feel passionately opposed to whatever passions did exsist. It was very painful and much like a rollercoaster ride that would not stop. But here is a lull and it's wonderful. May I use that sort of wordage? I'm trying to be frank here. Practical and calm. I'm trying to tell my side of the story before I am on another reel. Before I lose my head and emotions and all is in disquiet. The story that I can lay out for the elders and friends to say 'Simply this, it was factual and competent. It fit. It belonged' and those deadly words of ment to be. Here is my pride before the fall. I know this one will be headlong and disasterous. In all the best ways.
Water
If you go down into the deep
You may find a silver star
Hush now, where all is quiet and still
Only the ripples are luminescent
Here below we're lucid
We can feel more in this soft cold
Life is thicker...richer here
Rambling Maaaan Please Listen
I read and see intakes
Here and there, like a breath in cold air
That puffs and crystalizes
You want her
You promise
You need her
You'll change
You think it's
Impossible
To be any closer
You're afraid.
And so, what if I should say I knew someone much like you
They often turned away
I screamed at them, but I thought they closed their ears
I thought they were afraid
This is my own story now
Because I was wrong
Very very very wrong
And I don't know if I can explain
But now it's something like a heart beat, but it beats alongside
It's a flutter or a pang or an oft dwelled on thought
And sometimes when I'm frightened or cold something says to run
To bolt because I suddenly feel more than I'm used to
But that's just the minority against the general bigness of this
I wish I could tell you it'll go just like that
But it might not, it could be different. It could be.
But I've been so overwhelmed and unbelieving of the truth
And I'm constantly reminding my self that IT IS JUST YOU
But I still faint and swoon and turn inside out
I'm blatent and silly and laying all my cards out
But I can't find proper syntax or grammer or vocabulary
And unfortunately I'd really like to
It's something in my chest...above my abdomen...
The signal is clear.
Gahhhhhh
I can't breathe in sometimes
For fear of thinking
When every thought is of fear and inhibition
I just want peace
At Very Least
Realizing the honesty capable of oneself is not a simple task, but when found, delightful
I am finding I can be nothing else and it is pure
Thankyou, at least for this
A Journey For Love
I wonder how often I will find myself on these journeys, sitting amidst something apart from myself and saying "here, show me here"
'Here',this evening, is a pathway in a familiar community. There is not any more sunlight but everything is vaguely lit by the recent setting. The clouds are hung low and the mountains loom heavily in shades of grey. The city still reflects the pink clouds above, but progressively it dulls. This is 'here', can you show me now?
I woke up this afternoon and consciously chose wrath. I realized very quickly, actually amidst the times I spat it out, so I quickly made amends but my mind was still burnt and worn. Why does my body do this? I do what I want not to do, this fiery paradox. And even then I ache and cry over all that I behold. Why am I created so delicate? So apt at breaking...so easy to break? How do I show myself when I am so completely at odds? Strong and hardened and innocent and weak...
The only thing I know to do is run...walk...sit...write...I'm cold but I will stay here because I need to know or feel something.
I need assurance. Assurance that I can have these days and it's okay. Assurance that I can lose control only to find you still holding it. I need to know that this beauty is for me right now in this moment, that my search is not in vain, that my tears are not foolish, that I am not a mistake.
I understand...I
know I make mistakes. Always. I create and invent and project mistakes like it's on my watch to do so. But I need to know that I myself, my original being and how you see me, is not one. I need to know that I am beautiful even when I am crying and confused and that I really need not worry. I have so many needs...and I need to know that is okay.
Embracing the surroundings once again. The pink hue has spread and warmed. The mountains hold a touch of purple and the lights of the city and streets are beginning to twinkle and contrast. There are very large old dandelions that I want to blow into infinity and there is a bunch of silver green weeds in front of me. The bench is warm. My feet are cold. The clouds have inched into the sky and the richening pink is collapsing back into the earth.
"Hello" I hear you whisper.
I think you tell me that all this is reflected in my eyes. That the pink hue is in my cheeks and the dark mountains in my soul. The shimmering city is my spirit, and that is a riddle to solve.
The clouds are grey now, melting into tussocks below.
I want to breath life, not just yearn for it. I want to thirst and be led but not in vain. Please...not in vain.
Things inhuman have corroded my soul. You know it better than any, I am broken and poisoned.
But I need to know that I have hope. That I can keep trying and it's never to waste.
That you love me...I need to know that.
I don't know what I'm expecting, but I'll stop writing for a while.
In the final legs I walked, still crushed by it all...till it was spoken very clearly as the fallen one's embrace
None other will speak it so true:
"I would die for you"
I
did die for you
She...
Is wondering how in the world she will avoid making a mess
In a situation so delicate as this
Avoid cracking and breaking and shattering
This delicate balance, precariously perched
She will faulter and fall and create distress
How on earth will she not make a mess?
Kalalalala
Kalaidoscope
Vast arrays and compressed colours that merge and shift to fall in to new patterns against the light
Things are rather kaleidoscopic these days
You can hear the 'plink, click' as they fall in to place, the shapes and designs...my face and your face
And the sweet summer sun, and grass and laughter and music and shouting because that's all I want to do
From the street corners just so I can hear them echo you
What?
Throwing myself inside out for you
I can take it if I try
And giving and giving and giving
And letting go and pass and slide
But I can't yet blame generosity
Nor obligation or guilt
Simply being unabashedly propelled by whatever makes me up inside
Oh This Heart Of Mine
I'm slowly coming to
Is this really here...for me?
I sometimes can barely believe it
And become frightened that you wont believe it either
But I go by faith
Truth
Trust
Solidarity
Ease
Strength
Care
Respect
...To come.
I can barely believe it...
