My ramblings....

A Journey For Love

I wonder how often I will find myself on these journeys, sitting amidst something apart from myself and saying "here, show me here"

'Here',this evening, is a pathway in a familiar community. There is not any more sunlight but everything is vaguely lit by the recent setting. The clouds are hung low and the mountains loom heavily in shades of grey. The city still reflects the pink clouds above, but progressively it dulls. This is 'here', can you show me now?

I woke up this afternoon and consciously chose wrath. I realized very quickly, actually amidst the times I spat it out, so I quickly made amends but my mind was still burnt and worn. Why does my body do this? I do what I want not to do, this fiery paradox. And even then I ache and cry over all that I behold. Why am I created so delicate? So apt at breaking...so easy to break? How do I show myself when I am so completely at odds? Strong and hardened and innocent and weak...

The only thing I know to do is run...walk...sit...write...I'm cold but I will stay here because I need to know or feel something.

I need assurance. Assurance that I can have these days and it's okay. Assurance that I can lose control only to find you still holding it. I need to know that this beauty is for me right now in this moment, that my search is not in vain, that my tears are not foolish, that I am not a mistake.

I understand...I know I make mistakes. Always. I create and invent and project mistakes like it's on my watch to do so. But I need to know that I myself, my original being and how you see me, is not one. I need to know that I am beautiful even when I am crying and confused and that I really need not worry. I have so many needs...and I need to know that is okay.

Embracing the surroundings once again. The pink hue has spread and warmed. The mountains hold a touch of purple and the lights of the city and streets are beginning to twinkle and contrast. There are very large old dandelions that I want to blow into infinity and there is a bunch of silver green weeds in front of me. The bench is warm. My feet are cold. The clouds have inched into the sky and the richening pink is collapsing back into the earth.

"Hello" I hear you whisper.
I think you tell me that all this is reflected in my eyes. That the pink hue is in my cheeks and the dark mountains in my soul. The shimmering city is my spirit, and that is a riddle to solve.

The clouds are grey now, melting into tussocks below.

I want to breath life, not just yearn for it. I want to thirst and be led but not in vain. Please...not in vain.

Things inhuman have corroded my soul. You know it better than any, I am broken and poisoned.

But I need to know that I have hope. That I can keep trying and it's never to waste.
That you love me...I need to know that.

I don't know what I'm expecting, but I'll stop writing for a while.


In the final legs I walked, still crushed by it all...till it was spoken very clearly as the fallen one's embrace

None other will speak it so true:
"I would die for you"
I did die for you

posted by Unknown @ 11:11 PM