My ramblings....: April 2006

Sunday, April 30, 2006

A Parting Thought

My house smells like cigar smoke
And it feels alright
Like that kind of rush I felt those nights
But I've mixed it all with space and tea
And in you I no longer believe

"Boy, You Are Afraid but That Doesn't Get You Anywhere" Part 4
The grand finale

Friday, April 28, 2006

A Story of Two Unlikely Lovers (revised)

She was a young girl
Of only seventeen
She had a problem
She didn't know how to dream
But then he walked on by
And opened up her eyes

He was a sad boy
Not yet twenty three
He listened to gospel
And choked down nicotine
But then she walked on by
Yea she walked on by
And opened up his eyes

So when you back to that place they called their home
Go to that spot where they sold eachother out
It was a kiss it was a nod it was a sad goodbye
But when they left all they had to guide them was a sigh

He was an old man
He didn't talk much to his neighbours
He only conversed with his cats
Oh old man
Who is he looking for

She was a baby
She wanted to crawl away
She knew much more
Then her small mouth knew how to say
Who will she be

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Dear Hearts of Out There

I want to warn you
Of my frequency rate
When you can't anticipate
My rapid change in feel and speed
Don't feel the need to adjust
Just trust
It'll come back around
Just be watching
For a sign
To realign your targets
And I'll be back on track
You don't have to be too afraid

Sunday, April 23, 2006

My Exploration Into The Deep Love Of God

Tonight I discovered my deepest desire
The one you will find when you open me up to the furthest point
Beyond the cage of my ribs to my secret heart
Past everything covering
Like my skins and makeshift walls
Past who I tell you I am, and who I am to you
I found it, the very deepest longing
The kind that builds and presses the walls of my body and soul
With the passion it feels
Never satisfied
To be loved and desired
Longed for and pursued
Relentlessly, tirelessly, agelessly stopping at nothing
To have ones entire life layed down on the table for love of me

Oh Lord why am I so unfulfilled
As soon I discovered this longing and felt the exact call
I knew I had it
I knew He was doing it then, and is now, and will keep on doing it forever
For me
And my tears aren't falling anymore because of the rejection I felt
But because of the overwhelming sense of this
Of this love that I have so much wanted and desired and ached over for so long
God you are right here and I am looking away
God this want could be filled
By the one being that could ever possibly fill it
Overflowing beyond expectations

God I am looking away
When my greatest love is right in front of me
With His entire life layed down on the table for love of me
And He is longing for me and aching for me
Like I have done for so long
Longing for me to look at Him
And love Him so passionatly back
God I am looking away!
And my ache is so unfulfilled and I am so desperate
For someone who is standing so patiently, so tenderly, so lovingly
With a similar saddness in his heart
Waiting for me to love him

When that is all I want to do
To express my hearts desire to love so deeply
And be so deeply loved
Inexpressibly, irrevocably, infinitely
God I want to look at you
I want to look directly at you
And understand you are looking at me with a love so strong
So unbelievably powerfull and ever standing
That I am nothing but in awe
I want to understand that I am the most precious thing to you
I am the most captivating, valued, treasured little girl,
Daughter, Love
And you want nothing but for me to give my heart and desires to you
My love and my joy, everything I have

As I have cried out alone to do
You heard me and you whispered your love
You slowly and patiently made yourself known
The divine father and lover of my soul
Lover and protecter of my being
Of my entire life and everything I am
You look on me with such eyes of admiration and joy
You are so proud of me and who I am becoming
God I want to look at you and see more
I want to learn and love so much more
I want to be continuously more pleasing in your sight
I want to look at you and see your love for me day after day
And I want to look at you and tell you my complete love,
Contentment, devotion, and amazement for you, day after day

I want to cry to you and hurt completely with you
I want all my words and my thoughts and movements to be for you
God my songs and my brushstrokes
My friendships and my conversations
Everything God
Let me tell you I love you God
I don't know how else to

God none of my words can explain my hearts desire
I explore deeper just to feel it more
Just to feel this love that I want to give to you
God you know my desires
Only you know my desires
Only you
Please take my love, as weak as it is in my small hands
Please take all that I am, even though I am almost nothing
And turn me into a beautiful jewel
A precious treasure
Help me see the way as you do
With such glorious love
God I want to love you like I will never love another
I want all the love in my being to pour out of me and into you
I want to trust you my father and my love
I want to adore you day after day

Thursday, April 20, 2006

This Is Such A Whirlwind

This is too chaotic
This is life flashing before my eyes
And I'm running and running
Never slowing down
God I want to so bad
But I'm not physically able
I'm keep planning for some peace
Some quiet in my life
But I feel like I've missed it
Even when I have it
It slips out of my hand
With the blurring of the world
And my body is crying
Telling me to stop
My head is pounding
Begging for something that's not
God I need to so bad
But I don't know how

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

So Ray Me Fa So...La....So?

Such passion
I hope this isn't just a sketch
Such religion
How she stands by his side
Such beauty
Just to live that dream
Such risk
To move closer at all

Crazy Crazy Life

Please, I'm begging you
Don't let me fall apart again
Day after day
I'm at the end of my rope
Every little thing is a crushing blow
And suddenly I find myself sobbing again
I'm not strong enough for this
No matter how small it is
No matter how insignificant
Everything is just adding to this burden
I don't have that kind of strength
I've been told I carry a presence of calm
How well I mask my inner distress
I keep looking side to side for help
Knowing full well that only burries the problem
God all I need to do is look to you
Please look to me

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A Struggle

I wish I didn't simply exsist
But was vibrant
And surreal
I wish I stood out from the black and white
No longer a shade inbetween
I wish this heart was stronger
Not so easily battered
I wish this face wore a prettier smile
So they'd say I lit up the room
I wish this mouth spoke gold
Not constantly slipping on trash
I wish someone held me high above the rest
Still when there's someone who does

I wish I was content with who I am

Saturday, April 15, 2006

For My Small Town.

It's funny, when you're there, you realize how much you missed it
Not even doing anything, no plan in mind
We're just there and they're there so it's cool
And it's freezing cold but that's how it is
It's funny how I miss those vulgarities and that smell and this chill
The same old jokes and the same old faces
Only here
When it's dark and late and I'm just a girl
Where I don't say much and laugh a lot
But so does everyone
And they know all the police
They pretty much know everyone
Only here
I really miss it when I'm here

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Time To Think

Currently my explosives are a little too weak
To make me move at all
From my space to yours

Currently my reasoning
Falls a little too short
To shine any light on this

Honestly speaking
I've not even figured out
The makings of myself

So honestly
Expecting you to do the figuring
Is setting my hopes a little high

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I Am Now a Fan

Can I adore you from the sidelines
Can I just look up to you and cheer you on?
I think I like that idea.

Absolute: Find Definition.

To hope that hearts will unfold unnaturally
Like a simple solution carried in a jar
To let it out, say begin

And far away from this frayed romantic life
A song will call out those words
Like a speakerbox alert
How did you get so lovely? They wonder
I'll tell them it's really nothing new
Over in these parts...

There once was a boy who found a penny on the shore
And he told a girl he'd build her a sandcastle for her thoughts
He was such a king in some ways
But she didn't want his royality
What she wanted was a declaration

Do you know how absolute this is?
Can you breathe it in?
Like this undescribable moment in time

Rulers will fall from step to step
Head over heals until they are nothing but dust
Can you see now why she threw him away
While wearing a crown makes his face shine
Nothing can make his heart last

Monday, April 10, 2006

A Prayer for What I Want

I want to hand you all this
All my love and desire
All my thoughts and dreams
All my baggage and pain
All my worry and confusion

I want it to be yours
I want to believe in your control
Your amazing power and love

I want to have faith like a child
And simply trust

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Another Story About Childhood.

I definitely don't like
How crushed I feel
When you walk out
Like my night is done
Lights out
Like a puff of air
I am so young

Saturday, April 08, 2006

The Silly Heart String

I've found
That I've started falling
For every beautiful one I see
It's tough
Because some times
Our passing is so brief
I miss them when they leave
Our time was too short
But another comes along
Hello lets lock eyes
What a moment in time

Thursday, April 06, 2006

A Rather Depressing Piece of Love

It's only in the darkness of your dreams
When you know
That everything is falling apart

It's only in the quiet moments of your soul
When you feel that
Nothing at all has any meaning

I wont let you lose that hope
I'm the only one who really knows that
You are the most beautiful thing on this planet

It's only in the most hushed whispers
That you'll tell me
You'd rather kill yourself than hear her speak

It's only many miles from here
Where we fell in love
In the front seat of your car
Oh..we drove so far

Super Good Morning Mellow

Woke up at 7
Drank my coffee til 11
Not much of party
But it never really is

Dreamt about flying
No hunny I'm lying I don't really dream much anyways

I just want to paint a pretty picture in your mind
That I'm special and maybe you'd like to get to know me some time
I just want to leave a story behind
That you might like to read or at least look at the first page

No I'm not the girl of your dreams
But at least I can pretend to be
I don't have a picture perfect world
But I can make yours be

I don't hold all of the answers
But I sure can make you laugh
I'm not the best at what I love
But at least I know how to love

Breathe in the air
The world stops being unfair
Just look at the sky

Not holding anybodies hand
But I am happy
Understand
It's in a melancholy way

Don't Get Caught In This

Runnin away for a long time
Like a river from a rock
You know it trys so hard
But it just wont get away

Fallin down for the first time
Like a lover on a break
She trys to leave
But the thought of him she just can't shake

I wont get lost in your mystery
I wont get caught in your charm

But you had me at hello
Now I am running out of places to go

So afraid like a woman at the end
Will she make it through the night
Will she cry?

Holding your hand like a child
I'm so scared
So unprepared
This is not what it should be

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A New Song for an Old Story

We held hands for the first time
On a rocky road
On a rocky night
On a night I wont forget

When you looked in my eyes for the first time
You were angry
You were unkept
You weren't what I'd expect

We fought it out for a week or so
It was meaningful
It was serious
Or something like that

Remember being afraid
When I said I knew you
When I didn't even
Know your name

There were some things I shoulda said
And you never said
So I'm okay with that
There are some things they'd expect
But I won't let them shape you

I havn't seen you
Since that day
It's been a long time
I don't think I'll see you again

Maybe I'll pass you
But you wouldn't know
And I wouldn't say
So where are we then

Monday, April 03, 2006

Once Upon a Monday Morning: The Second

The clouds like a blanket
Like haze on the edge
But the blue is still there
Looking out for the sun

And the sun is still there
Like bliss or stage lights
You can see all sit still...

Like an afternoon high

After sleep clears from your eyes
You can feel the content
For the slow week ahead
Like the eye of a storm

So take the people and take the calm
Take the rivers and your worries
Throw something out the door
Sit a moment on.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

About How I Feel Young

Sometimes
I wish I was old enough
To catch your eye

I feel so young
When I'm with you
Just because I think you do too

I have no idea
I can just dream
For someday

I wont be just a girl
But someone who matters
To you

My ramblings....