My ramblings....

Oh My!

I've been perusing my past spouts, making myself sick with the thought of myself. Whatever do you think of me? It's all seeped in double meaning and blatant directions. Some of the relics are pleasant, I've put them to rest deep in my soul. It's the recent explosions and contrivances which make me hide my face behind my hands.

Take a moment, turn myself to God. We talked about this last night, right? You're all crazy about authenticity that you can't even figure yourself out.
Right
Sit back in my chair. I am so embarrassed right now, regretful, irrational, helpless, hopeless.

And....
over it.
Almost.

This is it right? My heart and soul. Welcome, I suppose. It's a bit early. Others have been here much longer but they're on the same playing field. All about baring it all. Vulnerability! Oh mother Mary and assorted other saints, that's what it is! I wasn't prepared to lurch so quickly into THAT part of things, though I suppose it was always in the back of my mind.

"I need you so much closer" being repeated by Death Cab is playing in my headphones. There is a compass on the window beside me. Read me read me read me read me.

Fear is my ultimate sometimes. The ultimate worst, the ultimate master, the ultimate control, the ultimate lame station manager. I hate it and I'm ready to give it up. I mean at least I'm over the "denial" stage, but I forget what the one after that is. Here it is, a big mess of fear, all out on the floor.

Take a moment, turn myself to God. I brought a mop and bucket. I'm straining it in and dumping it out....like WAY out.
Of course you are
Sit back in my chair. I can hear the mop swishing, the fear is draining out the back door.

Here is what I've decided: I'm standing up to you. Not in aversion or rebellion, but in a ferocious nakedness. I'm a bit cold, a bit raw, helplessly vulnerable. There goes my pride.
"you need directions, I'll be your guide", he sings. It perfectly rhymed with pride.
This is me! Hey! This is me!

posted by Unknown @ 5:18 AM