My ramblings....

Dear Diary...

I feel like I have so much to say but then I go to say it and it just turns out redundant and cliche, maybe I'll just tell you the truth.


Perhaps it was pride or maybe it truly was my inner teenager waiting to burst but I opted for immaturaty and threw my hands up in the air. What the hell, it's not like I ever 'rode in cars with boys' before.
I liked to think I left 16 when I was twelve and jumped right to 26, but I suppose that's where the pride comes in. My brain has been divided since I had the chance to think and I'm a black and white person, as much as I run my mouth for colour. I need the rights and the wrongs and I kill myself over solving that equation. Interestingly enough, most life events are not right or wrong, though I'm still bent on placing them in that box.

I've spent the year in the depths and throes of dealing with the fact that perfection is unattainable. I tip-toed along a cliff for a while and then I got tired of that and ended up on the other side of the bridge. Can I try and be anything but? What if I just opt for the "I don't know choice", or dare I say it, the "wrong" choice. I've heard that's more fun sometimes anyways. So I said yes and went out. And then I went out again and again and stayed longer and longer. I wasn't lying when I said it was the most fun I've had, neither was I when I said it's the most foolish I've been.
And I think there's something about dark nights, parked cars, and electric lights. There's something about trying not to make a sound when coming in the door and acting like you have no clue. There's something about watching everybody else want it but knowing you have it. At the bottom if it all it's about feeling love though I promised I wasn't filling any holes.

So I had my little taste of 'rebellion' as some kids like to call it, or maybe just acting my age. Now I'm just left figuring out what that gets me. That part is what makes it lonely.

posted by Unknown @ 12:11 AM